Hi Tiger Cub 🔱

I'm Bikerider

I'm reviewing your story for the

FORUM

Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold  (18+) A romance/erotica contest from The Talent Pond. #1380461 by Jeff

I hope you find my comments helpful.


Review of "Invalid Item" 


Followed the contest prompt:

Yes, you did a good job following the prompt, and you did it with an interesting story. Nicely done!


Suggestions:

The story has no punctuation, grammar, or spelling errors that detract from the story.


Comments:

For me the story flowed well and the characters and their actions were very realistic. The feelings that brought Aiden and Christina together were authentic, not rushed, and followed a realistic sequence of events rather than just 2 people falling into bed. The sex scene was hot, nicely done, believable, and showing the character's emotions during the act fills out the scene very nicely.

But what threw me off was the fact that Christina had worked for Aiden's law firm for 5 years simply for the time when she could repay him for something that happened 5 years ago. Aiden's partner, Jason refers to the drunk chick at the party the night before that comes across as if he didn't know who she was. Yet she has worked for the firm for so long. Also, Aiden is described as being 26 years old, which would make him 21 years old when Christina joined his firm. At 21, he would have barely been out of college.

You have used some very good description in this story. While there are many places that are well done, I'll list some of my favorites:

You wrote: Aiden who'd look smoking hot wearing dishrags, never mind that he'd been naked from the waist up, last night.
It's nice to see a new way to describe someone's attractiveness. I've never seen this description before, anywhere, so it caught my attention for it's realism and it showed how attracted Christina was to Aiden.

I like the part of the scene where Christina is alone with Aiden and she calls him by his first name rather than calling him Mr. Spencer, and how much Aiden likes to hear her say his name. I found this to be both realistic and sexy. It's small things like that that make characters real and brings them to life. It also showed Aiden's emotions, and it allowed the reader to see the physical attraction between the 2 characters developing. That is very nicely done!

This is a nicely written story with a realistic, unhurried, believable, and hot, sex scene. You've done a good job showing the character's emotions both before, during, and after they have sex.

With the exception of what I explained earlier about her 5 years of waiting to pay back Aiden, the story is interesting, well-thought-out, and flows well. All of it put together makes for a great read.

Good job.

Keep writing.

Bikerider

Thank you for entering the Paradise Cove Contest.

My review has been submitted to "Good Deeds Get CASH!" 

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .