Hi pinkbarbie

I'm Bikerider

I'm reviewing your story for the

FORUM

Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold  (18+) A romance/erotica contest from The Talent Pond. #1380461 by Jeff

I hope you find my comments helpful.

Review of "Invalid Item" 


Followed the contest prompt:

Yes, your story follows the prompt well. I like the way you began with the prompt and then ended with it as well. Sometimes bracketing a story with a scene or statement doesn't work well, but it worked here. Nicely done!


Suggestions:

There are several places where an edit would improve the punctuation or grammar as used here. There were a few places where the errors detracted from and slowed down the action, but for the most part the errors were not important.

Angel is mentioned often throughout the story, but you never say who she is. Is Angel Iris's daughter, sister? Or is she related to Charlotte in some way? A character should always be introduced to the reader, and a brief explanation given for her being in the story.


Comments:

Intimacy brings not only heat to an romance or erotica story, it beings in emotion. There are places in this story that show authentic intimacy, and I've listed a couple of them here:

You wrote: "Nobody can replace you." Iris turned the mug around until she saw the pink lipstick mark and drank coffee at that spot, her eyes fixed with Charlotte's. "You make everything sweeter, easier, smoother." She touched Charlotte's forehead with hers. "It's already Thursday. What do you want to do on Friday evening after my class?"

Touching foreheads, and turning the coffee mug to drink from the place her partner drank from is very intimate and shows a great deal of love between the two characters.

You show that Charlotte wants to 'crush' Daniel, but puts those feelings aside as she realizes that since Iris loves her she shouldn't be bothered by Daniel. This adds depth to Charlotte's character, and it is an authentic thought, which also gives your character more life.

You have shown a lot of emotion between the two main characters in this story. It's easy to see how they feel about each other. The conflict you chose for the story is a good one; a man coming between two women who love each other is bound to cause conflict as it did here. I had hoped Daniel would lose out and I was happy when he did.

Your characters, Charlotte and Iris are nicely portrayed and I liked them both. You brought them to life and made them real by showing movement as they spoke. Daniel wasn't very likable, but that fits the story very well. He is a trouble maker, especially when he began to stalk Iris only to later pursue Charlotte.

I enjoyed reading your story. It is interesting and filled with emotion and conflict, but it's the intimacy that really brings out the story.

Good job!

Keep writing.

Bikerider

Thank you for entering the Paradise Cove Contest.

My review has been submitted to "Good Deeds Get CASH!" 

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .