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Review #4142323
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by A Guest Visitor
Review by A Non-Existent User
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Hi D,

I'm reviewing as a judge of "Invalid Item" . Thank you so much for submitting your story.

I like this short piece about two ladies meeting after a long time. One of them, Shari is hesitant to be with the other (Taylor). The story is from Shari's point of view, and this allowed you to bring out her awkwardness about being with Taylor.

I have some questions. What made Shari reluctant to be with Taylor? Was it that Taylor was a lesbian. I saw this towards the end but I wasn't sure whether that was the reason or not.
I'm also wondering why Shari would fix a date with Taylor if she didn't want to go out with her ("Okay. It's a date." I regret the words...)

At the beginning, I thought Shari was a school student because of this line - There are only 50 minutes until school starts. But after reading quarter way, I knew she was working in a school. My suggestion is to make it clearer at the beginning what your main character does. For instance you could make her say - only fifty minutes until work starts.
I also think that, usually, in stories, it's better to write a number in words.

I really like the use of "Oh fudge" It sounded fun and tasty to me {e;bigsmile}. It also shows that Shari is kind of a quirky person. I like those type of characters.

Your story is character driven, and I enjoyed that. Hope to read more of your stories in my contest. Write on!
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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 08/07/2015 @ 2:34am EDT
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