*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4142338
Review #4142338
Viewing a review of: {citem:}
Review of  
Review by Tiggy
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)




*PenB* First Impression:

I have to start by saying that I didn’t know anything about the main character in this story, or rather the real-life inspiration for him, so I followed the link you provided to make sure I understood the background before I started reading. And if the true story wasn’t tragic enough, you gave it your own spin here, transforming it into a very intriguing piece of speculative fiction. I was hooked right from the start because the language you used worked so well for this tale and helped to set the scene together with the descriptions of the dark graveyard. It became clear quite quickly that this wasn’t going to be an ordinary vampire tale, and I liked how you introduced one of the plot lines, the vampire’s search for those who were responsible. The way you described his emotions were nicely done, the mixture of hate and terror. I thought this sentence was particularly good,

Tonight reminded him of it as if it were a ghostly hand caressing his white cheeks.

Very descriptive and a great image, and easy for the readers to understand.

I liked that the tale switched between the two characters’ points of view, telling the same story how each of them experienced it. Giving them each their own parts of the story helped to keep the story and the point of view straight, so you could keep each part to third person limited. To me, that is a good way to delve deeper into each character’s thoughts and emotions. You developed your characters well in this chapter, exploring their motivations and actions. I would have liked to know more about Louie’s motivation not to kill Morison when he first saw him. You described his feelings at hearing the music and the effect it had on him, but to me his decision to let him live was perhaps a little sudden and his reasoning not very well defined. Maybe I was looking for a bit of confusion on his part as to why he hesitated to kill him, or something along those lines.


*PenG* Suggestions:

The writing was flawless in the main and I only have a couple small suggestions.

but in that failure to latch upon feeble recollections came a certain fear of it
I would probably say, “with that failure...”

into the room the sound originated from
The sentence ends in a preposition, and while the rules about that are quite relaxed and it has become a natural part of how we speak, the language you used here was quite formal and I think “from which the sound originated” wouldn’t look out of place.

and met the feeble back of an old, white haired man.
I wasn’t a fan of the word “met” in this sentence. You were trying to avoid a weaker verb like “saw” but to me it sounded almost like he collided with the man’s back. Perhaps it would work to say that “his gaze met…”


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

I wouldn’t really call myself an avid reader of vampire tales and ordinarily I’m not drawn to this type of story, but what made yours stand out for me was the excellent use of language and descriptions as well as the plot that is quite intriguing. I enjoyed reading this chapter and I’m off to read the next one. *Smile*



A Simply Positive reviewing sig.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 07/31/2015 @ 5:04pm EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4142338