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Review #4142419
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Review by Tiggy
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Rated: | (4.5)
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*PenB* First Impression:

Ah, the ending of this chapter explains the title of the story a bit more, although it was obvious that it was about the song but it actually has a name now. Nicely done how you mentioned in the first part that the song didn’t have a name, it all fits together neatly.

In this part of the chapter the main characters got a lot closer. Again, it worked well that you had explained Morison’s way of thinking earlier so his actions didn’t come as a surprise to the readers although they did somewhat surprise Louie. It was a tranquil part and considering who one of the characters is, that’s quite a feat. Louie’s vulnerability came across very well and he was likeable, even though or maybe because he was the first to admit what he was. By now the readers understood that that he wasn’t evil on purpose, that he had no choice. They were also aware of his tragic background and that really he was still a child. It all worked to make them feel for his character and when he was hesitant, hope that he would overcome his fear and befriend the man.

Morison’s part was interesting here. He seemed to instinctively know how to gain the vampire’s trust and what it would take to put him at ease. It was clear already that the song somehow soothed him, but to get him to play it seemed a bit of an odd idea at first, but it worked. There was also a bit of tension but not as much as I would have expected.


*PenG* Suggestions:

I had a bit of difficulty with the time frame here. You started by saying, “the next night” and then immediately went to “night after night” so I figured that it was taking a while for this unlikely friendship to develop. There was nothing wrong with that, on the contrary, it would seem quite realistic. But then you mentioned “This time” and I wasn’t sure if we were back to “the next night” or if this was one of the times he had visited “night after night.” Also, in between you mentioned the man stopping to play and turning around which he did on the second visit – did he do that more than once? I suppose that was a longwinded way of asking, how many times did Louie go there before the conversation in this part took place? It wasn’t obvious to me and I would have liked a clearer timeframe.

I had a similar issue a bit later on when you said that Morison “waited for him every night” but then it seemed like you were still talking about “This time.”

Morison encouraged him in a soft tone.
It seemed that there were quite a few things that were done or said softly, enough for the word to jump out at me. It fits the mood and the tone of this chapter but perhaps it needs a different word occasionally.

see the ground for it's height
You need “its” without the apostrophe, the possessive form of the neuter pronoun "it." It's is a contraction for it is or it has.

Now, lets play
There should be an apostrophe in “let’s “ which is short for “let us.”


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

I liked the occasional journal entry that broke up the narrative. They enabled you to reveal a few facts that would have otherwise been difficult to include in the narrative or might have seemed awkward because Morison perhaps wouldn’t think in those terms, “A vampire dressed like a rococo prince” unless he said it out loud or wrote it down. I thought that was nicely done.

You are taking your time to develop this tale and in this part especially the characters, and for me that works well to give them some depth and make the readers understand. I’m sure there will be some action later on but for now it’s important that the readers got to know them, and you achieved that here.




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