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Review #4142781
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Review by Tiggy
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Rated: | (4.5)
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*PenB* First Impression:

I realised that I read the end of the previous part wrong when the highwaymen you mentioned briefly made another appearance here. Their significance escaped me before but then I understood what Louie was thinking and what decision he had come to. This section was quite a shift to the previous part of the chapter and Louie’s quiet introspection turned into something a lot more forceful. Of course the readers were led to believe, in the previous part, that he was doing this because he didn’t want to lose his teacher and because he thought he might find some easy prey along the way, but when he broke down and looked for comfort, it seemed that there might be more to it. The vulnerability you showed before came across again here and I liked the way Louie’s character developed in this part. It was clear that he was a vampire and not a human and that he was aware of the implications, but he was still likeable, even more so than before.

You also gave Morison some depth here when you showed his concern for the vampire, his desire to comfort him but at the same time a measure of fear. It was interesting that the fear didn’t stop him from helping, and it was nice that apparently he was being more of a parent to Louie than his own parents ever got a chance to be. He realised of course what Louie was capable of, but he still needed to do his best to ensure that he was okay. The beginning was also nicely done when he realised that he had found something to live for again after the death of his wife.


*PenG* Suggestions:

The writing was excellent and I only have a few tiny suggestions you might want to look at.

gazed out the blacked out window
The repetition of “out” was quite noticeable here so I would suggest changing one of them. “gazed through” might work, or “darkened window.”

Even if she passed away
I think this should say, “Even though” which means “in spite of that.” Even though is used to introduce a condition which currently is true, while even if introduces a hypothetical condition that is not yet true.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

I think the story is developing nicely although you seem to gloss over some of the events in favour of character development. That’s not necessarily a bad thing if the events aren’t important, but the summons seemed significant in the first half of this chapter but here, it hardly got mentioned, only to say that Louie followed Morison because of it. Also, if I read it right, Morison was on his way back from the king at the beginning of this part (as he was looking out the window toward his home, and he told Louie that the king hadn’t asked about him) but the previous part had ended just after he left so quite some time must have passed. It didn’t seem to fit. I’m not sure if I missed something.

Having said that , this was actually my favourite part so far and I liked the tone in particular and the way I seemed to learn more about the characters, get into their heads more. To me, it helped to have a bit more dialogue here and the fact that Louie’s thoughts and expressions seemed a bit more personal. Although I’m not always finding it easy to relate to him, I think the vagueness kind of works. He can’t realistically express who is he in this thoughts and emotions if he doesn’t know it himself, frustrating as that might be for the readers.

The music played an interesting part here; they didn’t play together but both of them contemplated its effects. It was poignant when they talked about the song coming from the heart and Louie not being sure whose heart it was.

I look forward to reading the next chapter. *Smile*


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