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Review #4142968
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Review by Tiggy
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Rated: | (4.5)
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*PenB* First Impression:

And there you answered some of my questions so far. Had the chapters not been cut in half I wouldn’t have asked them so it means the story develops at the right pace; just as the readers wonder about something, you give them the answers. I understand now who the other were that Morison mentioned in the first part of this chapter and what they were after, and why now was a good time for them to come forward. I now have a new question. When Morison thought about the bite marks and “thumbed the cloth away from the side of Louie's neck as he contemplated it” I wondered how he became the way he was and if this was a clue to some other form of turning him into a vampire. Morison quickly dismissed it but there might be more to it. It was an interesting thought anyway.

In previous chapters I felt the way you repeated the narrative from two different points of view was well done, and it worked because it gave you the opportunity to let the readers experience the same story independently as each character saw it. But here, you used more dialogue than before, and while it was interesting to read what they were each thinking at the time, the repetition of the same dialogue became a little tedious after a while because you had to use the same words where you could paraphrase the narrative before. I wouldn’t suggest cutting the dialogue because I enjoyed that you were including more of it, and I’m not sure if it would be a good idea to now change the format, although at the end of the chapter it seemed like you had done so. I’m not sure how to ‘fix’ this so it is more of an observation; I just didn’t think it worked so well here.

The scene where Louie wept at his father’s grave was the most moving one so far and one where he displayed some human emotions. Perhaps that was why I liked it so much; I could relate to him a lot better in that part. The end of this chapter was very well done with Louie’s demand to see the king and Morison’s resignation because he wouldn’t be able to prevent the vampire from doing what he wanted. I would have expected a bit more emotion from Morison when Louie almost attacked him, something about how this scared him. Even if you didn’t want to interrupt the action at that point, it would be worth putting a line or two in the journal entry at the end when Morison contemplated the vampire crying but didn’t mention that he attacked him.


*PenG* Suggestions:

Even through his cold flesh the chill pierced through to him
The sentence sounded a little awkward to me and the repetition of “through” was quite noticeable. I would try to reword it to make it a little clearer what you meant and get rid of one of the words.

the silence lengthened once more and the vampire took to fingering the ruff at his neck once more.
Again, I stumbled over the repetition there but I think the second phrase could be omitted without changing the meaning of the sentence.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

I liked how the story developed in this chapter and Morison’s goals became a little clearer without you giving too much away. It was interesting that Morison wanted to or was supposed to make sure that the wrong prince doesn’t end up on the throne, but at the same time he didn’t want the vampire to become king either. There was also still a bit of mystery regarding the person who turned Louie into a vampire, and how and why. You have a good hook at the end here, I’m going to read on. *Smile*


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