*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4143016
Review #4143016
Viewing a review of: {citem:}
Review of  
Review by Tiggy
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)



*PenB* First Impression:

I’m getting into this story more with each chapter. While I enjoyed the first few parts, I didn’t realise how much better this was going to get with a bit more action and dialogue. Looking back, the beginning was quite dry and a little slow compared to the way it developed. I especially liked the interaction between the characters here and how Louie took control of the situation, although at the end it seemed he made a mistake by revealing what he was. There were perhaps some weaker plot points, for example I can’t quite imagine that they wouldn’t be questioned more if Morison just wanted to bring a stranger to the king, and even more so if he wanted the king to receive him alone without any of this advisors or guards present. While it wasn’t clear at first who Morison was or what influence he might have over the king, it has become clear now that he was, at least at one point, a man who had the king’s trust. But that part of the story seemed a little improbably to me.

The way Louie knew how to make an entrance was nice and the reaction of the people around him seemed to prove what Morison felt all along, that there was something regal about him that outweighed the evil. I wasn’t sure what he actually tried to achieve – I understand he wanted to prove who he really was but why did he not realise that in doing so, he would also show them what he had become? Or did he not care that he would be discovered, assuming that he would be strong enough to kill them all or make his escape? His thinking seemed a little vague there and I would have liked to understand better what drove him to do what he did.

The other characters that were introduced in this chapter were intriguing. I’m not sure about the king yet – his fear of the vampire made sense and it’s not clear at the moment if he believed that Louie was the heir to the throne – but I took an immediate dislike to Lord Norin, not least because you mentioned that Morison didn’t like him. I think it will be interesting to see how his part develops.


*PenG* Suggestions:

The sun doesn't seem to burn him.
The rest of the journal was written in past tense so I think this should say, “didn’t.”

Something rough and heavy dropped over the vampire's eyes.
I couldn’t imagine what this might be until you described it in a bit more detail, and this first description didn’t seem to fit, especially a few paragraphs later when you mentioned “the loose weave of fabric.” I would suggest finding a different way to first introduce it. “Rough” might work but “heavy” seemed wrong.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

There were some excellent descriptions of Louie in this part and I could imagine him as he was impatient to be taken to the king, as he walked into the room and stated his claim. It was the little asides that made him seem so much like a prince, for example this line,

He waved a clawed hand for silence, but didn't speak to fill the gap himself.

which I thought worked very well. Like I said, I wasn’t clear about his decision to just come in when it would have made more sense to wait, but everything else about his was very clear in this chapter. It made up for the earlier vagueness about his character, and I thought the development was very well done.



A Simply Positive reviewing sig.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 08/03/2015 @ 3:00pm EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4143016