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Review #4143148
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Review by Shaye
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: | (3.5)
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Hi Strega ,

I am Lorraine and I am reviewing your piece "Invalid Item"  today in affiliation with "Simply Positive Review Forum "  and as a judge for "Invalid Item" .

Title: I was definitely curious to see what this story was about. I knew the song it was based off and I wondered how the term "sleeper" fit in. At first (probably too much TV) I thought of a terrorist sleeper cell. *Laugh* Once I read the story, it made complete sense!

First Impression: This story portrays a scene where an apparent serial killer and necrophiliac abuses another victim. It's a very dark story and the dark theme is relevant throughout it.

Plot: Your first paragraph, or even sentence, needs to hook the reader. Your story didn't really do that. The repetitive use of "she" didn't help too hook the reader at all. It became boring. Try varying the way you start your sentences.

Characterisation: You've included a lot of description about the woman, yet I still didn't know anything about her physical appearance. It seems like something he'd be obsessed with, choosing exactly the right physical type. Hair colour, for example.

Prompt: You've done well to write a unique story to the prompt. It fits the prompt perfectly, so no problems here!

Spelling/Grammar: You use a lot of adverbs in this short piece. While not all adverbs are bad, having 8 in less than 800 words isn't great. I also see "slowly" at least twice in this piece, which is quite competitive.

Closing Thoughts: Thanks for the enjoyable read! Write on!

Lorraine

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Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were going to do anyway! Robert Downey Jr.


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