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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4148149
Review #4148149
Viewing a review of:
 The night that changed everything   [13+]
Mason should have known better than to get involved with someone like Sam.
by Lily Rose Hen
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi, Lily Rose!

Welcome to WDC from
*Balloonr* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Overall Impression
Your story is well-written and held my attention, even though I knew it would be dark, and likely to have a horrible ending. Maybe my mood is dark today, and it felt right to read this.

Plot/Characters/Setting
The story elements are all here. The plot began with a conflict that would draw most readers in to looking for the resolution. You handled the back and forth of the events without causing any confusion.

Great character development, as well. Bonnie is a fascinating girl, one you could carry over to another story. I wonder if she could be the main character and stories would be about her many exploits and adventures. It seems a waste to leave her on this page.

As for Burnout, his fate was sealed from the beginning, but I was surprised he was a hopeless drunk. He cared deeply for his sister. What drove him to drink? His association with Lighter?

You really didn't need a developed setting for this plot. The height of the apartment was essential to the story.

Using the song "Burning Up" as a ring tone was effectively ironic. *Checkg*

Oops
I found some little glitches here and there, but this sentence was the only one that actually took me out of the story.

Sam knew about Bonnie, she disgusted him while intrigued him at the same time

A few thoughts
A little comment here, I don't think there are thousands of antidepressants out there. Now, it's plausible that Burnout is thinking this way, but still it sticks out like an inaccurate comment. Just something to consider.

Looking at the title, I think the capitalization of the words should be corrected.

I think the main goal of this story was to bring it to the dark conclusion I'd been anticipating. There was no rushing of the plot to reach this goal, though.

Why your story?
Are you wondering how your story was written on the day you joined, today, and was reviewed so quickly? One thing our members do is look out for new members. In my case, I clicked on the option "Read and Review" from the left hand menu and landed on your story.

Keep up the good work. When you get around to it, filling out your bio is a great way for other members to become familiar with you. *Wink*

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