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Review #4148182
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Review by Nixie
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Rated: | (4.5)
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Hi, Kat! I found your story here.
"Please Review" 


The title of this piece drew my attention, and even though there wasn't a brief description, I wanted to 'hear' the story.

Great opening chapter. The basic summation--the good guys went to work, killed the bad guys, and went home. But you know how to weave a story, bringing characters to life, and writing strong, visual action scenes.

The first paragraph sets the scene, a post-apoplectic venue, by describing the roads and the vehicles. Right away, I wondered what The Technical was. A vehicle, a person? A job description? Later in the story, the technical was not capitalized, and it's revealed that the brothers were driving a Jeep.

Liam seemed to be the confident, but worn-out loud leader between the brothers, while Echo played the silent, dark, mysterious character with a questionable backstory. Both personalities were memorable. Because Liam was an open book concerning his motivations and feelings, Echo was the character that kept me engaged. I'm sure as the chapters progress, Liam's accent will be unnoticed, but in this chapter it was kind of annoying, even though it's an essential part of his character.

Everything the reader learns unfolds naturally in the story. No instances of telling.

A strange and probably inconsequential comment.
It was natural for Liam to have his inner dialogue. However, it was very heavy in the beginning of the story, and things felt 'unbalanced' because this wasn't repeated as the story progressed. See? I told you it was a weird observation. Liam's inner dialogue is essential to unveiling the upcoming events, and isn't really needed once everything has transpired. Feel free to ignore me. It's just something particular to my reading experience.

In a few instances, the POV shifts from Liam's POV to an actual description of what Echo is doing and thinking(outside of Liam's observation. Here's one example
"He looked over at his brother."
"Echo cast his pensive--"

Maybe this isn't something that bothers you, or maybe it's the way you intend to relate the story. But, if you want to stay with one POV, [Echo was casting--] would keep things consistent.

There was one more instance of this, but I won't bother you with it. You obviously know what you're doing.

This chapter easily leads the reader to the next. Placing the bitem link at the end would make it easy to continue reading.

None of the weapons were futuristic. I'm mentioning this because of my original confusion. The capitalization of Technical gave me the impression that two cultures were clashing. Now it seems the setting is straight-forward Western. But you could be taking this story anywhere.

Well done!

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