%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4148532 |
 | Interlude interrupted  [13+] Just a little scene from something I am working on. Thoughts and critique welcomed :-)  |
| (3.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  First Impressions: As you said in the brief description, this was a scene, not a complete story, so you didn’t give the readers all the details they might have needed to fully understand this tale. Presumably the details about the characters, their background and the setting would have been described more in a previous chapter. At first it wasn’t really noticeable because the readers could accept what you gave them here, a romantic scene between the two characters. The way you described them worked quite well and despite not knowing much about them, the readers got a fairly good picture of them. The dialogue was realistic and it was easy to imagine the two of them having this conversation. Also, the reason for it was quite clear and the narrator’s surprise and hint of anxiety at the development he hadn’t seen coming came across well. I think in the second part, the readers would have benefited from a bit more backstory. You hinted quite early on at some powers they seemed to possess, I felt the familiar stroke of his questing mind glide over my own but not probing. but at that point it wasn’t important to the tale. Later on, those powers became more important and without knowing what exactly they were, the plot was a bit hard to follow. I realise that this scene is probably part of something bigger you have already written so it might not be feasible, but if you could include just a line or two to explain their background in this scene, it would help the readers to put this into context.  Suggestions: What’ wrong? You missed off the “s” in “What’s.” Which, actually, in that precise moment I probably looked like I was a frightened rabbit ready to bolt. That sentence didn’t seem grammatically correct. I think you could either end it after “like” (“Which... I probably looked like.”) or omit the opening word “Which” to fix that problem. someone that could accept me I think that should say, “someone who.” It was like I had no control over myself, something I had spent years training to ensure I always had. Again, the sentence sounded awkward. It might work to try and keep the sentence a bit simpler to get the point across (I’m not sure what you are trying to say so I can’t offer a suggestion.) found surprising love?” The direct address, “love”, should be set off with a comma from the rest of the sentence. more refined than Daniels. There should be an apostrophe in “Daniel’s” to show the possessive. had been swiftly dampened sadly Using both “swiftly” and “sadly” sounds a little awkward. Personally, I would omit the second one but it depends what you wanted that sentence to say.  Final Thoughts: It seems that you have an interesting idea with this story and the two main characters’ gifts seem very intriguing. It’s not clear where this story might be going or where these powers might have come from, or how the characters use them, but as a teaser I thought this excerpt worked quite well to make the readers curious. I hope you continue writing this story because the premise looked quite unique!    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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