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Review #4148565
Viewing a review of:
 Rise of the Machines  [E]
The end of humanity from the eyes of their creation.
by Ghost
Review by Tiggy
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



*StarB* First Impressions:

That was an interesting take on the discussion about artificial intelligence, and I liked your explanation for humankind’s ultimate destruction. The point of view was quite unique and it was clear very quickly that the narrator wasn’t human but behaved and thought in a more human way than I would have expected, even referring to others as brothe and sister. While the people were busy living their selfish lives and slowly destroying everything around them and themselves, there were only a few artificial beings who tried to get the planet back on track.

One of the most fascinating aspects, the part where you described how the destruction of the human race came about, was also one where I wished you had gone into more detail. There were only three sentences starting with

Little by little they sacrificed their world

and although I understood what you were saying there, I couldn’t really imagine it. It was a great concept and not at all how I would have expected the story to develop, but it lacked the detailed descriptions that would have really brought that section to life.


*StarG* Suggestions:

expressed fear of artificial intelligence for fear
The repetition of “fear” was quite noticeable there and I would suggest replacing one of them or omitting one and rewording the sentence slightly.

There was not “robot rebellion.”
Just a typo, “no.”

for technology, The AI were
As this was the middle of the sentence, “the” shouldn’t begin with a capital letter.

while my brother and ensured
There seemed to be a word missing. “my brother and I”? Or you could omit “and.”

Farms were planted
“Farms were built” maybe?

place them into virtual world
I think there might be a word missing, “into a virtual world”?

had been self destructing
“self-destructing” should be hyphenated, but I think the sentence probably needs to be reworded a little. “had self-destructed”?


*StarP* Final Thoughts:

I would have liked the story to be longer. I think you have a great start here but the narration seemed a little rushed. If you have the time and inclination, you could turn this into a far longer story, perhaps even a novel, because a lot happens over a long time and the tale would benefit from a bit more details in some parts. As it is, it reads more like an outline than a complete story. There is a lot here you haven’t explored and if you wanted to expand on this piece, I think you have an excellent foundation here.



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