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Review #4148728
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"SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP" 

Hello there, nebosite
This is a Simply Positive Review! *Umbrellav*


*Painting3* Your poem paints a vivid picture of a life in a day of an ordinary man, riding the bus to work. It had a prose-poem quality to it, with rhyme.

*Bulletg* I liked the characters that he scanned as he walked down the aisle to find his seat. It brings life to an otherwise anonymous group of people. He chose his seat well, for sound reasons.

*Flipflops2* I must say, it's the realistic portrait of a bus filled with strangers, that really hit me about the poem. It's something the reader could picture in her mind's eye. Good job, describing the size and gender of some of the passengers who he may have had to sit next to, for the trip. It explained why he was being so cautious in deciding where to sit. I also liked his obvious relief, as the passengers began stepping off the bus for their own stops, leaving room for him to move in a more desirable spot. You also characterized the passengers by the way they passed the time on the bus ride. As I said, realistic view of a very full bus, on a busy work day.



Observations:[/b}

*Buttonstop* I found this particular verse to be a bit choppy to read. The flow lost its melody, along the way.

"Window seats occupied one by one
All are gone (short/choppy/ out of sync with the verse)
Nothing is left to be done
But to find the most agreeable stranger" This line is long and awkward

TRY:

Window seats occupied one-by-one
All the way to the end
Nothing left to be done
But find an agreeable stranger

*Knob* You could put together something just right, I'm sure. This is just a quick rewrite to give the verse a little balance.


Otherwise, well done! *Fishg*

Until next time--write on!

Regards,
WebWitch







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