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 Review #4148972 |
 | Broken  [13+] Written in the 2nd person, this is a tragic & haunting story. Let me know what you think!  |
| (4.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  First Impressions: You didn’t say if this story was in any way based on personal experience. I certainly hope it is not and for the purpose of this review I shall assume that it is purely fictional. Of course, it is reality for some people and, like you said, it was both tragic and haunting. There were several levels of tragedy here. First, the narrator (some of the descriptions made me think that it was a girl although you didn’t say that specifically) had several bad experiences in her life and struggled to think about them and separate what she wanted to remember, what she couldn’t forget. She wasn’t safe in her own home due to her family situation but she wasn’t safe anywhere else either because of school bullies who tormented her further instead of helping. It wasn’t clear if she asked for help at any point, either at school from the teachers or from the authorities, but it was sad how you described that the mother didn’t want to get involved. The descriptions were detailed and the second person point of view meant that the readers could identify with the character in this story which made it more personal. The way you let the story develop was easy to follow and well before you mentioned what she had stolen from her father, the readers got the feeling that there wouldn’t be a happy ending for her. It was quite hard to read how emotionless she was at times and that she thought this was the only possible way out of her situation.  Suggestions: the man you called your father, though he had never acted like one. A little further on, you mentioned her happy childhood and I wondered if these two statements fit or if it might be better to omit this, or perhaps explain how he had changed over the years. As it is, it didn’t seem consistent. what a careless kid you were I think you perhaps meant “carefree” here. Carefree means free of trouble and worry and care. Careless means not giving sufficient attention or thought to avoiding harm or errors. There’s no reason too. You need “to” instead of “too” as you meant, “no reason to cry” and just omitted the last word. how its supposed to end It should be “it’s” which is the contracted form of “it has” or “it is.” Its is the possessive form of it, meaning “of it.”  Final Thoughts: This was a poignant tale and you tried not to let it get melodramatic by keeping the main character’s thoughts quite objective (as far as that was possible) to make sure the readers would be able to empathise with her. I think it might be a good idea to include a few lines about her asking for help, as I mentioned before, or include the reasons why she didn’t. It would give a more complete picture of her character and explain her final actions a bit more. To me, the most haunting thing about this tale was the happiness she thought she felt while she contemplated those actions, and I thought it worked well to lead into the last few sentences    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/26/2015 @ 2:41am EDT