*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4149973
Review #4149973
Viewing a review of:
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor
Review of She Knows  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*



*PenB* First Impressions:

That was a good start to a story. The way you introduced the man at the beginning was excellent and I enjoyed the descriptions, like the way he manoeuvred his way around the obstacles

with the ease of water flowing around a boulder in a mountain stream

It was easy to imagine the scene and the way the mysterious package ended up with the main character. Although he seemed quite sure that the note wasn’t intended for him, it did make him curious and the readers at the same time. I liked how he considered it for long enough to let the man get away so that he couldn’t ask, and was then alone with his thoughts and no way of figuring it out.

I think the story started to get a little convoluted at that point and perhaps you lost the thread a little. I expected it to continue along the lines of the previous thoughts, who the note was for and how the main character might be able to get to the bottom of it. But instead you seemed to have got sidetracked with the details of the scenes in the restaurant, the brief conversation with the waitress, the main character’s job and his drive home. I was hoping that you included those passages to introduce a distraction for the readers before getting back to the earlier question what the note might have meant, but you never got back to answering that. But the story seemed unfinished as it ended in the middle of the scene in the car, so maybe you were planning to get back to it once the main character got home.


*PenG* Suggestions:

There were quite a few spelling errors which you could find if you used spell check, so I won’t waste your time pointing them out, but if you wanted to edit this story it’s worth looking out for them.

with the the way
You have a double word in that sentence, “the.”

a packet of sugar landed on the table.
In the next sentence you said that Harry didn’t notice it before and wondered how it had got there, which seemed inconsistent with this line. I liked the idea of him noticing it suddenly being dropped so I would work on the following sentence to make sure they match this one.

"She knows" it read.
You need a comma after “knows.”

a Twenty dollar bill. pocketed his change
I don’t think “twenty” should be capitalised, and I would replace the period with “and” to connect the two sentences.

Much like that old saw
I think that was meant to say, “saying.”


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

You left me very curious about the note, who the intended recipient was and what it meant. I hope that you will finish this story one day because you have an intriguing start here and it would be worth a bit of work to edit and conclude it.


A Simply Positive reviewing sig.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 10/13/2015 @ 11:39am EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4149973