%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4150181 |
 | Going Home  [ASR] A man is lost after a funeral  |
| (4.5)| Hi The Scribbler   Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Please be reminded that my review is based on one person's opinion and you have all rights to choose if you like it or not. So please feel free to use if you find something interesting or just ignore if you don't like something.  Plot?I have to admit that I'm in love with this mystery story and the way it flows. I have found little bit dark comedy at the beginning when you said how everyone left him in the church and when he woke up he was like oh, alright, time to go and this story is not dark as I thought it would be. As I was reading it I pictured in my head town of dead people where he found himself as well. I thought you're gonna make it little bit scary because I realized a woman in red will lead him to his grave (that was his new home) and I was expecting that he will be surprised when he find it out. But, actually he was aware that he is dead and he exactly knew that he is looking for his own grave (home). Nice piece of dark comedy. Characters?I think this story, as good as it is, needs to be expanded. You didn't say too much about characters, we only know basics, we don't know how the main character died. From the description of a woman in crimson dress I could imagine picture of where he was, that grey town of dead people. Short description of Balthazar as well. The point of the story made me look for more. Suggestions?Instead of expanding that I mentioned above, and I really look forward to see this story as a longer version, I would suggest to you to go through the dialogue here also. There are few issues with punctuation. In some sentences you're missing commas, you were putting dot all over dialogue. For example you said: “Of course. It’s not complicated.” I think this sentence looks better if you wrote: "Of course, it's not complicated." Here's one more example. You said: “Yes. I’m new.” I said. “Can you direct me home?” Here's how I would do it: "Yes, I'm new," I said, "can you direct me home?" I'm not punctuation nor grammar boogeyman, first because English is not my first language, but there are things in this story that are really conspicuous and a lot of people here like to give suggestions on grammar. Just thought you could go through it again. I'm more like vision person, I like how the story make me feel and how I imagine it in my head.Mood?I don't really know how to explain how I felt here. Maybe scary confused, I thought the main character is gonna be scared as well when he realize that his new home is grave but he was obviously looking for it and was happy when he found it. That's why I said it, there's some dark comedy in all this. Overall impression?Just wanted to say one more time, welcome to Writing.Com and think of expanding this story. I know you just joined, I don't know if you will stay with us here longer but I think this is awesome beginning. Most of the people struggling with themes for their writing here and I think you have a great one if you continue with this. Thanks for sharing your work with is. All smiles.. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~Minja~ "SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP"  Be courageous and try to write in a way that scares you a little ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/30/2015 @ 12:39pm EDT