Hi Choconut ~ House Targaryen ,



Title:

The title is simple, but apt to your story. Though to be honest, I think the title could use a little work. It doesn't really give us a insight into what your story might be about.

Your story is about the differences and similarities between Britain and America - have a think and see if that could be worked into your title.

First impression:

Your story is entertaining and is a great example of two countries that are separated by a common language. This was a clever use of the prompt "America" from West Side Story.

General impressions:

I love the family feel of your story. The three generations of women sitting around together listening to Nana recount some of her memories reminds me of growing up listening to my great-grandmother's stories. The three women are obviously very close as evidenced by Poppy quite happily settling in on her grandmother's lap.

Kathleen clearly misses her husband, but she has such wonderful memories to hold to. Your story is a nice example of two people whose differences brought them together. Kathleen and her husband came from two different worlds yet they seemed to have had a wonderful life together.

Line by line suggestions: These are included in the dropnote below. Your original work is in black, specific suggestions are in indigo, and additional notes/explanations for the change are in orange.

Line by line suggestions ▼

"Oh, that’s alright, Darling,”
"Oh, that’s all right, darling,”
Although "alright" has become commonplace, it should always be spelled "all right". Also "darling" is what is called a term of endearment (such as honey, sweetie, etc.) and these are never captalised.

searching her Grandmother’s face for confirmation.
searching her grandmother’s face for confirmation.
You only need to capitalise titles, relatives, etc. when they are used in place of a person's name. So when Poppy says "Didn’t he, Nana?" in the next paragraph that is correct, as in that example she is using Nana in place of her grandmother's name.

“Yes. That’s right, Pumpkin,”
“Yes. That’s right, pumpkin,”
This is another term of endearment. You have several more terms of endearment throughout your story that also need to be chnaged.

“She does talk about it a lot,” said Kathleen. “What kind of things does she need to know?”
“She does talk about it a lot. What kind of things does she need to know?”
We know that this is Kathleen speaking (you told us this at the start of the parargraph), so the speech tag is not needed.

it would be really good if you have any photo’s to spare
it would be really good if you have any photos to spare
photos does not need an apostrophe as it is the plural of the word photo.

“Don’t be silly, Nana. You’re not man.”
“Don’t be silly, Nana. You’re not a man.”
Missing word

But jam, like you spread on you toast
But jam, like you spread on your toast
Missing letter

Closing remarks:

This was an enjoyable story to read and you achieved a lot in just over 1200 words. Congratulations on your second place in Prompt Me Musically.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .