Hi haplo48,

I just finished reading your story which I found when I selected Read and Review, "Invalid Item"  and I would like to offer you the following review. Please note that this review is a culmination of my opinion and what knowledge I have. It is meant in the spirit of assistance and appreciation only. Please feel free to use what you deem useful and ignore the rest.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS This is an amazing short story. Although I feel that you could expand this story into a longer piece by expanding and adding detail...maybe similar to the way 'The Princess Bride' is told, I thoroughly enjoyed it.


STORY STRENGTHS To me the biggest strength of this story is in the plot twist. I love the unexpected protagonist of this piece.


GRAMMATICAL/SPELLING There are no spelling or grammar issues.


SUGGESTIONS Even if you don't expand this story, I would love to see descriptions. Adding sensory imagery to this piece would strengthen it drawing the reader right into the story.

For example...you have "The night was cool and crisp. She took a deep breath and smiled. The rains would soon be coming." ...you could tweak to be something like..."The moonless night was cool and crisp. She took a deep breath and smiled as she tasted the air. Smells of wet greenery spiked with a nearby honeysuckle bush brought images of water to mind. The rains would be coming soon."

However, the story is very good as written and adding descriptions would simply be the frosting on the cake.


OVERALL IMPRESSION I really love this and hope you decide to expand it. Regardless of whether or not you do, you have an excellent short story here.


Thank you for sharing your work!
Write On!!