OVERALL SENSE: This horror story was definitely scary with lots of dark undertones. The conclusion, your description of the cook as she’s making her last pot of soup in the kitchen was unreal! Well, she did want peace and quiet in her kitchen and whoever shut even her up, did a good job of it. I guess having some of the orphans scrub spotless pots got under someone’s skin, and I can guess who did the deed. What she was sending down to after discovering what she was sending down for this orphan to eat. I can understand what Mrs. Murphey was getting under someone’s skin, but I can’t understand why Mr. Buchner

         TITLE APPEAL: “
The Demon Rift:Cuyahoga County Orphanage” is the title for this story. It definitely fits the plot of this story, and you find out who this demon rift can be. Treat a child like dirt, there may be payback.

         STYLE/VOICE: The style is Horror/Scary, History, and Dark.
The voice stays strong as we read about this orphanage and the things that are happening within its walls. Let’s just say I’m glad I’m not an orphan or someone working at this establishment.

         TONE/MOOD: The tone is dark. Most of the children are treated okay, but some are not. This can be distressing to them, they can feel threatened, or become overwhelmed enough to take action.
The mood is pensive, suspenseful, and foreboding. If I were the cook, Mrs. Murphey, I would take heed, and thread lightly. Does she do that? What a scary situation to be in when you are small and vulnerable,

         SCENE/SETTING: The scene and setting takes place at Cuyahoga County Orphanage where strange things are happening. Mrs. Kray feels overwhelmed with Mrs. Murphey’s bossiness, thinking she can run this orphanage better than her. You have to kind and loving, but Mrs. Murphey has other ideas and went according to them. Wrong move.

         CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: It’s amazing how you can dislike a character immediately, and I definitely disliked Mrs. Murphey. I sympathized with Mrs. Kray, she had her hands full. The children were all just trying to live from day to day without incident, but there was one in the midst that didn’t go along with that theory.

Personality: Bernie is a sickly child, so what is wrong with him? Mrs. Kray is afraid of him and gives him special treatment much to the disgust of Mrs. Murphey. There is a reason behind why she is doing this, but most everyone obeys her orders. Those that don’t meet with a mysterious demise.

Motivation: Mrs. Kray has her suspicions but knows they’re just suspicions with no proof. She just has to carry on until there’s a mistake that she can use against this demon rift in the midst of her orphanage.

         PLOT: The sequence of events leading up to "why" things are happening at the orphanage. Proof is the only way to stop these incidents that creates panic among the children. Who is causing these murders does so without anyone seeing them, without anywhere near the murders. Mrs. Kray has her suspicions, but they do no good without proof which is nil. It’s a mystery, and it drew me into these character's lives and helped me understand the choices that were made. I can see where Bernie is coming from but how is her doing ‘these deadly incursions’ that Mrs. Kray thinks he’s doing?

Structure: Plot structure — I was introduced to the important background as to the information about the setting, dialogues, character's thoughts, background details, along with great descriptions, and narration. These all moved the story along nicely.

Conflict: Murders are happening without any proof as to how they are happening. How can you catch this killer when he’s invisible to the naked eyes? That’s why Mrs. Kray feels there’s a demon child amongst the children and she feels she knows who.

}Climax: The point of greatest tension in a story is when the cook is cooking, but what is she cooking. Everyone who’s in the kitchen are in shock, Mrs. Kray finds out what happened when she comes closer to the stove. Who comes out of hiding eating what Mrs. Murphey was sending down to him?

Development/Pace: The story moves along at a steady pace, you’ve built up this story like dominos, and they all seem to come falling down at the right time, creating a great mystery. You suspect who has done the crime, but cannot prove it.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/SENTENCE STRUCTURE: I didn’t find any errors.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT: You did a superb job with this story. It moved with the right speed to keep you guessing even when you suspected who did the crime.

         LINES I LIKED: It was too dangerous to continue. A monster was in her care, left by the dead man, Baker. Crispin, the suspect in the murderer of a wealthy London widow, kidnapped Bernie, the missing orphan, seen with him on a ship to New York. She’d written the orphanage in London and was shocked to discover that the person she had thought was a ten-year old child, small for his age, was in fact, seventeen, much too old to be at the orphanage.

         WHY I LIKED THIS QUOTE: This is a hairy situation to be in but what can Mrs. Kray do now? How to take care of business as usual with ticking the guilty party off. There is so much left unsaid which makes me wonder are you going to continue this story or just let your readers ponder the situation. Everyone likes a person to pay for any crimes they commit, even if they had good reasons behind their actions. But was it enough to kill over, to take someone’s life? It is a sin but not everyone believes this way and I’m left wondering if Mrs. Kray will clean up the mess, and go on as usual once again until the next time.

JUST MY PERSONAL OPINION: Thank you for sharing this item!



Take care now, keep on writing, I’ll keep on reading,

Jeannie



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .