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 Review #4173492 |
 | What Was Watching Me  [ASR] ever feel like your being watched when no one is around?  |
| (4.0)| Hi there. Nixie, here. I found your story here: "Noticing Newbies Newsletter (October 28, 2015)" Welcome to WDC from  "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  Overall Impression Lots of creeping going around in this plot. As a child, nothing imagined under the bed frightened me. But the closet, oh that terrified me. The gnarled hand and what followed, I felt sorry for the narrator. She had to endure this all by herself. Plot/Setting/Characters The narrator began the story by relating her past experience and demonstrating her skepticism. In the second paragraph, she talked about what had already happened. (She saw the thing). From there, the plot was launched. A few thoughts. Giving your character names helps the reader to identify with their plight. Dialogue is more effective in advancing this connection than a summary of what was said. Avoid distancing words like decided or realized. Write active sentences with vibrant verbs, and avoid passive verbs. Practice word economy. Example We had seen a group of deer on our way to the house that had jumped out in front of us and nearly caused our car to crash. On the way home one night, a group of deer jumped in front of the car and we nearly crashed. Better yet, use dialogue. "(Boyfriend) watch out for those deer!" The wheel spun in his hands as he swerved.  Sorry. It's not my place to rewrite your words. I'm merely trying to demonstrate my point. Take a look at how many times the verb was appears. See if you can turn the sentence into an active scene. Omit adverbs by finding a stronger verb. Rather than tell us why she decided to set up the rooms in a certain way, you can show the rooms. The first sentence paragraph three is a bit of a run-on. Engaging a reader involves keeping the writing tight. So if "The day passed uneventfully" why tell the reader? In fact the crickets came out early and filled the air with their annoying song. I had to laugh when I read this sentence. My dad used to tell me crickets singing in the house was a good sign. Click here Suggestions ▼ Parting thoughts The story elicited some fear from me, but with less words, I'd feel the effect more profoundly. I'm not suggesting you change anything in your story. I'm merely sharing a bit of story craft because it's fun to discuss. Keep writing!    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 11/15/2015 @ 12:26pm EST