*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4177006
Review #4177006
Viewing a review of:
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi,




Overall Impression
I liked this story right away because the mom didn't back down about Christmas presents. But neither did she take away any hope of a present for the season. What a wonderful idea to gift someone on the first day of a new year. I like it!

A few thoughts
Tammy sounded like a typical kid, testing her mom's limits, even when she already knew the answers. It's difficult to be the child who is different from the others, and I think Tammy handled herself well. Maybe she pouted a bit (quite normal) but she didn't seem to feel horribly outcast from her friends. She accepted that her family wasn't the same as others.

I also liked that no explanation was given for why the family (was there a dad) didn't celebrate Christmas. That would have taken the story in a completely different direction and ruined the wonderfully bizarre conclusion.

Adverbs kept popping up here and there, but I don't think you need anyone to remind you to use stronger verbs, not weak verbs with adverbs propping them up. Also, adverbs tacked onto dialogue tags don't really work. Maybe the mom could yawn to show her exhaustion.

Her mom greeted tiredly. > Her mom yawned. "Good morning, Tammy. Happy New Year."

For sentence tags it's best to keep to he said, she said rather than use words like [suggested] [reasoned] [requested].

*Idea* A few blips
9-year old Tammy > nine-year-old Tammy
She said, > she said,
She requested. > she requested
December 31, > December 31st
New *Paragraph* needed here: "Tammy, hurry
Her mother rushed from behind. > Hmm. I didn't quite understand what happened here.
She muttered > she muttered

Lasting Impression
The adjective that came to mind when I finished reading was 'droll'. Such an old-fashioned word, but the conclusion was completely deadpan, as if receiving a dragon was completely ordinary. I think that was my favorite part. Nicely done.


A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 12/05/2015 @ 6:31pm EST
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4177006