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 Review #4191747 |
| (2.5)  A "P.E.N.C.I.L." Review Hey, Nats!  I just went through the first four chapters of your novel to refresh my memory and also to check on the changes. However, I have not seen those. I'm guessing you've written those somewhere else for personal use. Since I already did the reviews on the chapters as they are, I'll leave those alone and continue reading your story. Now, seeing how nothing has been edited in this chapter either, I won't point out the grammar or typos but rather look at the chapter as a whole.  Afternoon sunlight adorned the living room where a sutible ray of light engulfed the shadow in the room, eliminating the cold darkness with a warm embrace from the sun. The word sutible should actually be subtle. Also, the second sentence right after this, you've used two different explanations as to why the wind was howling. One was that it was angry with the sun, the other had to do with the patient's breathing. They are very opposite. I cannot see why the wind would be mad with the sun, but I could see a comparison with the patient, his inability to breathe properly and thus the wind howling as if trying to give him a boost of air. ‘We grew up fast and as young men, during the day we helped our families, at night we helped ourselves to some fun, looking for beautiful young women, trying desperately to get them to dance with us or even have a simple conversation. In those days men and woman could just be friends. Your male character stated that they grew up fast. In which way? It wasn't just a growth spur. He meant something else, or did he? In my experience, when one grows up fast, it means that they were most likely robbed of their childhood. For Hans, I can see that happening. For Mr. Geschenk, not so much. The war came after this. Or did it? Nothing really separates them from the rest of the young men at that age. They are all curious, looking for someone they can spend their time with. If they grew up fast, wouldn't that change their perspective a bit? Also, the part I highlighted in green, should say 'men and women'. And being on that particular subject, is it possible that men and women can still be just friends in this day and age? What has changed? Your story continues on with your male character, who's first name we still don't know and we're in chapter five, telling us about women - all women - being respected back in the day, but not today. Your female character seemed to agree and understand but the reader does not see his entire point. Married women finding pleasure with other men were respected in those times while now they're looked upon with disgust. Nothing has changed in that aspect. Women, as well as men, still do leave the marital bed to find pleasure somewhere else. What is the exact change here? I can't help but feel that all these chapters were rather a first draft. There's a lot of work to be done here, Nat's. I find myself lost in a book without a character's name to him, and so I cannot really relate to him. Then there's the story within a story part. While Cat gets to see him, as a reader I only get certain glimpses of the gentleman sitting before her. He on the other hand is telling her an entire life's story and the introduction of Hans had been told by your male character's point of view. While his personality does take shape and form, we only view it though the male character, which is all told in a very long, hardly disturbed dialogue. Point is, as a reader, I don't get any specific sense of Cat or the male character, nor Matilda who is mentioned in the story as his wife. There are many details left unsaid, ignored and in order to tell the story properly, my mind wants to see them, feel them, smell them, hear them. I don't get any of that really. Toward the end of the chapter, Cat and your male character are having a conversation between each other, more like a role play, because Cat speaks for your male character and he speaks for Hands. It is very random at best, but very confusing. I lost track as to who said what and whose words those were supposed to be.  There are definitely some parts to the story which I enjoyed but are overshadowed by the long dialogue and not enough detail for the reader to envision. At times I felt lost in the story, trying to figure out what it's all about. Where does it lead to? While I know that Cat's life changes because of the male character, I still don't see how or why. That may be in the next chapter or so, but I feel as if I were sitting there listening to a recollection of someone else's story and tend to forget that Cat is even present. I know that this review is rather harsh, but I want you to know that the story line is unique if written differently. I feel there's so much you left out that could be incorporated into the first few chapters to make the story tighter, instead of disjointed. Cat is mesmerized by this character and his story, however interesting, does not explain as to why. Is it only his looks? He's an elderly man. What makes him so different from anyone else? A lot of unanswered questions here. I am told that this guy is special but I have to see it for myself, which as of yet, I haven't. I really hope you go back to editing this story and making it more air tight, if you will. There are loose ends to be connected and added. If it's the bicycle trip we are waiting for to get us further into the story what is the point of everything else? I'm still looking forward to the next chapters and hope I get to reveal the male character's name somewhere in there.  ~ Gaby   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/06/2016 @ 1:30pm EDT