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Review #4191844
Viewing a review of:
 The Incident At Maple Valley Elementary  [13+]
Frank's grandson has a bad day at school, he goes to the school to set things straight.
by Sum1
Review by Happyfingers
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Sum1.

I'm reviewing The Incident At Maple Valley Elementary for

The Simply Positive Group


FIRST IMPRESSION IN THREE WORDS:

Action, Suspense, Fast-paced


What I thought while reading the story:

The story is true? Okay, but I’ve been told never to write that, even if it is true. The story’s believability is in the writing, fact or fiction.

There seems to be a problem. Somebody isn’t good. Frank (POV) listens to his daughter, Caitlyn, on the phone. She explains the situation about her son, Steve, in trouble at school, after hitting another student.

holding him pinned against the wall. One man had an arm and leg, the other man had his other arm and leg, essentially pinning him spread-eagle against the wall.” – I had trouble picturing it. Two grown men, bending down with one hand pinning Steve’s feet with the other holding his hands, spread-eagled him to the wall.

Grandfather Frank is shocked; his eight-year-old grandson being treated like a criminal.

Reason? In a game of duck and dive, only Steve is caught when he was attacked first by Dave, the other student involved; the teacher only saw Steve hitting back. Good action.

The teacher calls the principal who arrives to take him away. Since Steve’s new to the school, and has been taught not to go with strangers (Steve is new to the school and the principal is a stranger) Steve resists. The principal gets the Phys Ed teacher for added muscle power and these are the two men she described near the beginning of the story. Two men needed to restrain the eight-year-old boy?

The mother enters and demand they release her son. She sees swelling on his face. (Maybe it’s from the fight with Dave?)

Grandad is coming to the rescue. He’s in Chicago and his daughter and son are in Washington (State or DC?) Either way he can’t possibly make it in an hour unless his private jet is ready to go, but…maybe in a stretch?

A memory floats in Caitlyn's mind of what her father has told her in the past: “Now, take Steve to the doctor and get this documented. With a swollen face and possible bruising coming on, it would be easy for anyone to say you or Jeff did this, I’ll be there soon.” – This is getting bizarre.

Frank arrives and demands to see Ms. Swain, the teacher. (didn’t know that was her name, his daughter never told him). He’s an intimidating sort of guy who gets his way and appears in the classroom.

would not remember telling him the classroom location, nor could she explain why she had told him where it was. (This is not making sense.)

Frank appears in the classroom, and takes over, putting the fear of God in the teacher. He turns to the classroom, like a scene out of The Godfather, and threatens the class to such an extent, they run away leaving David sitting alone.

Grandad tells David (I think the POV changed somewhere to Frank) he's going to rip his head off, etc. David, not bothered by anything, watches Frank turn into a werewolf, a calmly pulls out a gun and shoots Frank.

“David Wooten! Wake up young man! You will not sleep in my class!”

The roar of the gun was actually a book slamming on the floor. David has been dreaming and woke up. (POV changes to David)


The denouement: In her hands was the textbook he’d knocked to the floor in his sleep. Both hands were pressed to the front and back, and he swore he could see the air moving swiftly away from the book due to her actions. ??

And the final sentence: Okay, so I exaggerated a little, about this being a true story.

You could have fooled me! *BigSmile*


SUGGESTIONS?

Of course Steve hit him back, and - missing a comma after the introductory phrase Of course.

Eight-year-old grandson – missing hyphens

Entering the office he - missing a comma after the introductory phrase Entering the office.

OVERALL FEELINGS AND IMPRESSIONS:

This must have been a fun dabble with a short story; I know I have quite a few. You do realize with a no access restriction, it can be viewed from the internet. You might want to put some restrictions, until and if, you want to change a few things.



Cheers,



Happyfingers


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" 





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