Greetings, Izzy's Writing ! Thank you for sending me a review request. I do enjoy reviewing your stories.

Aw... ((()))!!! I had a feeling it might come to this, between Niklas and Elisabeth. YAY! The buildup in this relationship between the two, has been paced very nicely throughout the other stories you've written. Great job, Izzy!

Here are a few helpful suggestions for you to consider:

In Paragraph 1: as he still called her even though she was a second year player now- and their comments were not what he wanted to hear. All of their comments were negative and
Perhaps you could tighten it up just a tad by omitting a few unnecessary words. Here is an example:
as he still called her although she was a second year player now--and their comments were not what he wanted to hear. They were negative and

Paragraph 3: didn’t even hear
You really don't need the word even.
didn’t hear

Paragraph 6: “Usually they say good things about us but all that was was rude comments about you. How can I not get mad,”
It mostly just looks weird with the two was words. Also add a questionmark at the end of the dialogue. Here's an example of something you might consider:
“Usually they say good things about us but this was all rude comments about you. How can I not get mad?”

Paragraph 8: You know what the truth about is so who cares what
I think you could omit about.
You know what the truth is, so who cares what

Paragraph 11: she was starting to see him as more of a friend now than a guide.
Just an idea to consider:
she was starting to see him as more of a friend now, versus a guide.

Paragraph 13: Around the same time he had betrayed her was the time she found out she was pregnant with his baby.
The word time is repetitious. Here is one example to consider:
Around the same time he had betrayed her, she found out she was pregnant with his baby.

Paragraph 14: My girlfriend just told me that she saw you messing around
Beware of using too many of that and just. Here is one example to consider:
My girlfriend told me she saw you messing around

Paragraph 15: At the long sigh that came from her lips,
I would change At to After. Also, whittle it down to less words, such as:
After her long sigh,

Paragraph 22: he believes that I was cheating.
he believes that I was cheating. (normally this would be okay but you've used the word that twice just before this one.)

Paragraph 24: Didn’t you tell him it was actually his baby,” he asked
Add a question mark.
Didn’t you tell him it was actually his baby?” he asked

Paragraph 29: Did you think I was going to think you weren’t,” she asked,
Question mark.
Did you think I was going to think you weren’t?” she asked,

Mainly, I would look out for repetitious words close together and avoid using unnecessary words, such as that, just, even. It's not that you can't use them, but if you can read the sentence without those words, and it works, omit them. Also, with your dashes (used to take the place of parentheses), always use two (doubles) at each end--like this--with no spaces between.

I love how you add lyrics to your stories. The ones you choose always fit perfectly. Nice touch!

I loved:

throwing his pen down on the table like it had done something to make him mad.
I could imagine that very well!

And as always, it was a pleasure to read, Izzy. You're a natural!

Have a great day and...
  K e e p on W r i t i n g !

Cubby ")


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .