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Review #4192278
Viewing a review of:
 A Bird in the Hand  [E]
...is better than in the jaws of your best friend.
by Chris24
Review by Happyfingers
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Chris,

I'm reviewing A Bird in the Hand for

The Simply Positive Group


FIRST IMPRESSION IN THREE WORDS:

Imaginative, Action, Fast


Thoughts as I read the story:

Professor Hawkins stormed down the hall, little wounded blackbird in hand. – The first paragraph in any story is the most important. This may be a style issue, but an ‘a’ in front of “little” would make it flow better?

You’ve written a lot of information in the introduction. I needed to read it twice to get it. Probably it's me on an early Saturday morning. I said to myself, slow down, let me catch up here.

his robes and long scarf trailing behind him around the corner. – good description

the floor dropped from under him. “Whoa!” He barely summoned a flying carpet to avert his fall. – I’m still thinking there’s a lot going on here.

Shuttled back to solid footing, the massive stones of the hall suddenly quaked underfoot. – I’m still reeling from the flying carpet rescue.

and faced a massive crimson dragon. Fire scorched the jam – okay, this is way too fast but it is creative.

transforming the serpent into a mouse. – I’m still wondering if the bird is okay, and now you’ve changed a red dragon into a mouse.

The magiphysician poked her head from under the bed. “Is it gone?” – Great word, magiphysician. That’s what I love about fantasy, anything goes.

She was quickly to work, - A bit awkward. Maybe, She went quickly to work, or she worked quickly. Actually, the ly adverb isn’t the most desirable description: Mark Twain said, “If you see an ly adverb, kill it.” *BigSmile*

I liked the comment about next time wanting to be a dog. Only thing that could hurt a dog is a human or another dog.

SUGGESTIONS?

Flash fiction is hard. You have the scene, a character(s), a conflict and a resolution. Every word needs to be used to resolve the conflict. Description is a luxury.

You might consider using this as an outline for a longer story slowing it down with room to lead the reader at an acceptable pace, luring them, and guiding them through like a lens in a camera.

In 300 words, there’s enough imagination, creativity and enthusiasm in this story to be the bases three chapters in a book. lol

OVERALL FEELINGS AND IMPRESSIONS:

Very creative, packed with action and imagination. Filtering out some action may enhance the impact. Too much desensitizes the it.

The enthusiasm screams out through the story.

Well done!



Cheers,



Happyfingers


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