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Review #4192282
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Review by Happyfingers
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: | (3.5)
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Hi Paradox,

I'm reviewing Queen of Birds for

The Simply Positive Group


FIRST IMPRESSION IN THREE WORDS:

Descriptive, Wistful, Sad


What I thought while reading your story:

I don’t mind the repetitive “She”. It is almost poetic the way you wrote. I didn’t care if she had a name or what she looked like. After all, this is flash fiction.

But, flash fiction is difficult. Three hundred words. You have a scene, a narrator, a conflict, then a resolution. Every word counts, or so they tell me.

What is the story about? I mean the real story. Is it the narrator’s inability to have a real-life relationship?

The story is missing something. I think if you brought them together more intimately, where he also smells and feels her, it makes the impact of the surprise of a dream twice as strong. I saw a dream coming about the second paragraph, and I wanted to be surprised.

Description is a luxury in flash fiction. It needs more action (this is my opinion and subject to the reject bin at any time). Perhaps you and her nurture an injured eagle, or hummingbird – whatever.

A dream can seem a cop-out to a lot of readers. My suggestion for the end of the story is for him to wake up, dead inside, turns over and sees a red scarf next to him in bed. That’ll fix the skeptics. *Smile*

SUGGESTIONS?

I’m a shocker when it comes to commas, so I use Grammarly. Here’s what it said:

the views, and the fresh air - an unnecessary comma in a compound object. Consider removing it.

follow her, like it was - an unnecessary comma before the dependent clause marker like.

her house, or anything to suggest - an unnecessary comma in a compound object.

You need to go back, you need - two independent clauses improperly joined with a comma. Consider correcting the comma splice. I think that means replace the comma with a semi colon.


OVERALL FEELINGS AND IMPRESSIONS:

Beautiful images and description. Flash fiction can’t afford them. Needs action, but the style is good story telling.

If you would like a rerating after editing, email me with a link to your story. *Smile*

Cheers,



Happyfingers


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