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Review #4192302
Viewing a review of:
 Living Hardware  [ASR]
A writing professor finds his peculiar computer with a tempting proposition.
by brom21
Review of Living Hardware  
Review by Happyfingers
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Brom21,

I'm reviewing Living Hardware for

The Simply Positive Group


FIRST IMPRESSION IN THREE WORDS:

Descriptive, Suspense, Imaginative


What I thought while reading your story for the first time:

Yep, grabbed me in the first sentence. I can identify with not being able to get to sleep, or stay asleep. A good many of your readers will too. Good description of the tossing and turning, and then giving up and doing something else.

gripped his scalp and ran his hands through them then held the back of his neck. – I’m not quite sure how one grabs one’s scalp. The hair? What did he run his hands through them?

zapped it up in the microwave for two minutes. – the inside of my microwave would be coated in milk if I had it on for two minutes. *BigSmile*

so trimming my self-help book – sounds like a haircut. Did you mean skimming?

Albert twiddled his fingers before he hovered them over the keyboard. – Good description.

Suddenly the words froze on the screen. – The conflict starts, and I’m ready.

The believable reaction of denying the possibility of the infiltration of his computer is good. It’s the milk’s fault.

for a time period? – How long? (In retrospection, forever.)

If this was indeed... – this paragraph is a good description!

The end I could see coming; the little bugger won.

I enjoyed your style of writing, a guided tour of a good story teller.

You wrote about a computer taking over which has been done before. However, your take on it was so personalized and real; it had a zest I admire.




SUGGESTIONS?

There were errors which interfered with the flow. I use Grammarly as I’m a horror when it comes to commas:

on his side, than his back. - an unnecessary comma before the word than

on his side, than his back. – then?

“On the outset it is easy to - missing a comma after the introductory phrase On the outset.

Hello Professor Nix. - missing a punctuation mark after the interjection Hello. Consider adding a comma.

specified parameters Doctor.” - When speaking directly to people, their names must be set off by commas.

I am sentient being. Maybe an ‘a’ before sentient?

If this was indeed the work…- the verb was should be in the subjunctive form when used with the word If. Consider changing it. I think it means use “were”.

in the word and and a tingly – repetitive word, and

In a minute he had understood - missing a comma after the introductory phrase In a minute.

beat and verse was like water – I think it’s were?


The computer can’t win. *BigSmile* Is there a way Nix can outsmart him, get his body back and throw the bloody computer into a pool, or compactor rubbish bin, or bury it?


OVERALL FEELINGS AND IMPRESSIONS:I

I enjoyed reading “Living Hardware”. You took it to a new level. Wished Nix beat the computer, though.

Cheers,



Happyfingers


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" 





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