Hi! I'm Fivesixer , and it's my pleasure to review your work today. Remember, this is only my opinion, so take whatever you'd like from it...after all, you're the author! The item I'm reviewing is "A Proper Burial" .

First Impression: Hello, J.G.! I don't normally read short stories, but for some unexplained reason I was intrigued by the title and description, so I hung around. It's an interesting story about death, and I'm glad I read it. Keep in mind that everything I'm saying is just my opinion, and any suggestions are just that- you're free to take them or leave them. I'm not sure if this is a true story from your past or just something of an idea that you turned into a story, so please forgive me if I treat this more from a fictional perspective...I do not mean in any way to disrespect the deceased.

What I Really Liked: I wasn't prepared for the twist at the end, which makes me think this piece could very well be read like a trailer for a movie. Sean's mom coming to mourn her "only son"...yet Sean also has a brother? This has Quentin Tarantino or The Coen Brothers written all over it (and I mean that as a compliment...although I'm not entirely familiar with their total bodies of work).

Spelling And Grammar: The spelling in this story looks alright...I didn't notice any major errors that stuck out. Toward the end you mention going to "grandparent's house", and that's fine if it's one grandparent (in which case I would specify "grandmother" or "grandfather"), but I think if you mean the pair/couple, I would put the apostrophe after the "s" instead of before. Also, this sentence: "The two of us lay down and before I know it, I was sleep." I would change "know" to "knew", and "sleep" to "asleep".

Suggestions: I would eliminate the dashes before the dialogue in the very beginning. No one does that. It's not necessary. Also, to make it easier for the reader, put a full line space between your paragraphs. This will also help to enhance your dialogue, as each new speaker requires the start of a new paragraph (if I'm not mistaken).

Final Thoughts: Like I mentioned earlier, I think you're on a good path toward something more compelling here...think of it as the trailer for a movie in which weird things happen. You can eventually go into detail with chapters about the accident, Sean's past, his mysterious brother, the relationship between your dad and aunt, and so on. You may really be just scratching the surface with this story!

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to check out your work at WDC! I hope you found this review helpful and encouraging!

Write on!
-Norb



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .