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 Review #4193013 |
 Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  ! I found this piece posted at "Newbie Help And Support Review Central"  First Impressions: A very poignant tale, and the second half of it came as a bit of a surprise. Everything leading up to it had really been an introduction to the story’s main purpose and to give the readers some background to the main character. Although it was important for the readers to know where the main character’s ‘never give up’ attitude came from it almost seemed like there was too much in the way of backstory compared to the ending which was the most important part. I liked how the main character’s emotions came across quite clearly at the end. It was something that I felt was lacking in the earlier part, perhaps because you went into great detail explaining the game but didn’t go into the players’ emotional reactions quite so much. The good thing about the details was that even someone like me, only vaguely familiar with baseball, could easily follow what was going on. But on the downside, I think it would work better to show the readers a bit more about Chris’ struggle during the game. You could use some of his thoughts to show his doubts, what made him look at his father, how that changed his way of thinking. All this would make it easier for the readers to relate to him. Also, I think it would help if you went into a bit more detail about how he and his family coped with his illness. You skipped pretty much from the game to a year later when really, a lot would have happened in the meantime that would have explained the main character better and make the readers feel for him more.  Suggestions: From a technical point of view, there were a few errors that are all quite easy to fix – I will point out a few of them below. The first thing that struck me though was the formatting of the tale. It would be easier to read if you posted whole paragraphs rather than inserting line breaks after every sentence, sometimes half-way through a sentence. It disrupted the flow and sometimes made it difficult to follow the story. at it's center You need “its” without the apostrophe, which is the possessive form of the neuter pronoun it. “It’s” is a contraction of it is or it has. The good news for The Fighters is Chris The story was written in past tense so it should be “was” instead of “is.” The same happened at the beginning of the next paragraph. It said the obvious that (you are the last person I wanna pitch to right now, yet I'm on a roll). I think what you meant to do here was to show that the part in brackets was what the pitcher thought. Commonly, that is done by using italics. Everyone on their feet cheering. This is a sentence fragment, you are missing the verb. “Everyone was…” His Dad Laughed. There were a few sentences where you capitalised words that shouldn’t be capitalised, like “dad” and “laughed” in this sentence. the one's who There shouldn’t be an apostrophe in “ones.”  Final Thoughts: You have a lovely start here and I think the story is worth you spending a bit of time on it to polish it and fix some of the weaker points. Towards the end, it seemed like you had found the point you were trying to make and the characters became easier to relate to. If you took the same details and applied them to the beginning of the story as well, I think your characters would be quite well-rounded and the tale would have more of an emotional impact.    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/03/2016 @ 2:53am EST