Hello, and good morning

Bright eyed, bushy tailed, and coffee in hand, I'm ready to complete your review request. Your piece was clear and interesting, but had some grammatical and consistency errors which is why I rated it with three and a half stars. You've seen my policies in reviewing ("Bobbi's Rating and/or Reviewing Policy" ), but if you have any further questions feel free to drop me a line.

Intrigued about a dress described as "Goddess", I clicked the link at the top of the page, but unfortunately it only took me to the general dress store site and didn't show me said dress. I would say to use the picture of the dress as the cover for this story but I don't know if there would be any serious copyright issues with that (someone on this site might know, though, so you can ask). It's a shame; I'm really curious about that dress now.

The typos I caught were as follows:

No super-spy outwitting me or an attempt to find a magical portal. Not technically a typo, but I have to wonder if there are super-spies in this particular world, since the main character had to have heard of them somehow since he mentions this in first person. Kind of an odd image in my head.

The light, dancing notes that comes came out of the petite instrument shapes shaped my desires and goals, infusing me and my soul The piece is told in past tense, so the tense has to be consistent. I added a comma for a reading separation, though it may not be strictly necessary.

The purple netting surrounding the throne actually seems seemed to be illuminated from the inside. Same thing about tense consistency here.

The richness of the fabrics of the inside of the Throne was dulled by the brightness of the light coming from its core. Not a typo at all: I just wanted to give you a thumbs up for using the right 'its'.

For The sun seems seemed a pale substitute against the radiance of the face of She who sat there. Tense consistency.

the depths of my control, my desire, my anger, my love, my hope, my fear, my view of the world; An 'of' was missing.

She stepped back and the world seem seemed to be a dimmer Tense consistency.

and joyfully i I run ran to my post, my shoulder pressed up against the wall Tense consistency, and a comma to separate action.


A few things I noticed as a reader:

This doesn't strike me as a story or a poem so much as an event in a world ruled by a powerful, sensual, hungry Goddess (or Goddesses, perhaps, since she has "Sisters"). There could be a story here, an interesting one; the men who worship her gladly, the men who worship her reluctantly and bitterly, the Sisters, the Goddess herself, all these are points of view that can be explored in a story arc. There's even a possibility of an outsider walking into this world--man or woman--who sees this situation and work to change it or, in a twist, abandons their ethical senses and become a part of it, bowing as a grateful slave or ascending to Goddesshood, with their mortal humanity warped and helpless to the influence of the divine power of the rulers.

As I stated, the link didn't work so I didn't get to see the inspirational dress, but I don't really feel like I needed to. There's a sort of anti-Cthulhu style description going on, where the Goddess in her dress is so beautiful that the vision itself is difficult to describe, so the reader relies on the description of the overwhelming feelings of the observer for effect. Part of me thinks that seeing a real dress on a real person may take some of that away from my imagination (but a larger part of me is still curious to see what the fuss is about ).

I think that's all for now. I will take a break and review the second piece you requested later in the day. Thank you for allowing me to review your piece. A reminder, I'm just another reader and writer so use or discard any of my suggestions at your personal discretion. If you make changes and would like me to reassess your piece for a higher rating, feel free to e-mail me.

Keep writing and keep improving!

--Brandi