Hello, and good afternoon

As promised, here's the second review request you made. The piece read like a solid mythology piece, but it had many grammatical issues which is why I rated it with three and a half stars. Again, here's my policies for reference: "Bobbi's Rating and/or Reviewing Policy" . If you have any questions, please drop me a line.

The first two paragraphs seem to be a sort of introduction to the piece. I got to look at the painting in this one (the link worked! Yay!) but I got a little confused for a moment where the story started. I recommend some sort of divider or at least a few 'enter' spaces between the intro and the story for convenience's sake.

The typos I caught were as follows:

Like I mentioned, there were a number of grammar issues mainly with keeping the tense consistent. I will post a few of the other corrections here, but if you would like a full line edit please email me.

These men, mere drones of focused effort, had no creativity but was was given them in limited supply. This sentence was kind of confusing to me. I don't think the second "was" was intentional so I crossed it out, but it still wasn't clear to me what "them" was.

“Man was made to please the goddesses, to play and be shaped as our creation not to create himself," she proclaimed. Changed the period after "himself" into a comma as is proper form for dialogue.

He was a special male in their eyes, but anger capable on from that of a goddess filled Saharah’s soul I replaced the period with a comma and colored red a bundle of words that confused me. I think the sentence was suppose to mean something like 'anger of which only a goddess is capable'. A bit of rewording will make that sentence clearer.

A beautiful garden, authority over all other creatures, But but most blessed Kept the comma, hacked the upper-case.

Eve defended herself and her helper against the enemy challenging it’s its lies and promises. A goof. It happens.

And Saharah stated as they left, "Upon Needed a comma before the dialogue.


A few things I noticed as a reader:

This comes across to me as a creation story told with a hard, authoritarian feminist agenda and a ancient mythological tone. What I found most interesting in this version of events is the inclusion of a musical element, that the goddess gave the first people not only a peaceful and worry-free life but a means to create for themselves art to use for devotion and happiness. It was when man, with the help of jealous goddesses, tried to use the gift to make a god of himself that he (and she, Eve went with in this story unless I'm mistaken) lost the membership to paradise.

The piece is an interesting exploration of the creation myth--I find it particularly intriguing having been a religious studies student in school--and with a bit of polishing it can really shine.

Thank you for allowing me to review your pieces. As I said, I'm just another reader and writer so use or discard any of my suggestions at your personal discretion. If you make changes and would like me to reassess your piece for a higher rating, feel free to e-mail me.

Keep writing and keep improving!

--Brandi