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Review #4213146
Viewing a review of:
 Eleven Years  [13+]
Can one, small decision, change a person's entire life?
by Hailey W.
Review of Eleven Years  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Hailey. Nixie, here. *Bigsmile*


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Off the top
*Checkg* Enticing title. Somewhat vague, but not enough to turn me away. Now that the contest is over, you might want to edit your brief description.

Okay, here we go--
Nicely done! Perhaps an exclamation point isn't correct here, considering this is a personal, non-fiction write. One would think writing non-fiction is easy, but getting caught up in the details can be a downfall. We're so familiar with events, the story ends sounding dry, lacking life. Not so here.

Actually, I didn't see this was a true story until after I finished reading. Because it was a cramp entry, I thought the first line might have been the prompt. Then I thought it might be sage advice. But I've read a few cramp entries involving pajamas, so perhaps this was your jumping-off point to catapult into the actual plot.

The sensory paragraph in and of itself was remarkable, but when your mind began the associations, a sense of foreboding came over me. Everything, up to a point, sounded okay, but the worry never left my mind. One thing I would suggest is to break that section into paragraphs for greater effect. Right now, it's all jumbled together, words running into more words, lessening the impact, the hollowness of something lost.

After the shouting match, you chose two precise and vivid verbs. (slithered) and (curled). From those words, I formed a unique picture and imagined how that must have felt.

I agree with you. Many things we leave undone or unsaid come back to us in horrible ways. But spending a life asking what if becomes worse every time a person wonders. I can't imagine, in any way, what a child would say to parents under these circumstances. Something was a long time brewing. The argument didn't spawn from nowhere, and one action could not have brought it back to the point of creation. The initial conflict between parents.

So, yes, this is an excellent write. I hope, however, you don't really feel that your inaction as a child could have made a difference. No one should carry that burden. *Sad*

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