Hello, Nemesis , and good afternoon

Your piece read like a solid first chapter which is why I rated it with four and a half stars. For your reference, here are my personal policies on rating and reviewing: "Bobbi's Rating and/or Reviewing Policy" . If you have any questions, feel free to email me.


The typos and grammar issues I caught were as follows:

There were a couple of superfluous dialogue tags that could be broken up in the beginning, and a couple of dialogue tags that could be removed. These are not necessarily errors, but I'm just fussy about dialogue tag usage. I understand establishing characters with repeated name usage, but I feel less is more with tags. Just a personal style thing.

Here are the two tags that hung me up the most:

Peter Doleman said from the comfort of the customer chair in Liam Yager’s office.

Peter said, as the HVAC kicked in and the white vertical blinds began to dance a slow lazy waltz on his left.

people full of hope, were always Unnecessary comma


A few things I noticed as a reader:

This piece starts with an opening scene where an engineer, who was assigned to do global warming experiments, is speaking to the vice president of sales in an oil company. The engineer seems to have something very important to tell him—an monumental, albeit accidental, discovery that he puts on par with discovering God himself.

There was a fair bit of technical jargon, but the mood came through to this reader no knows nothing of such things as water distillation testing. A bit of family tension was also written subtly into the work. Aside from the couple of suggestions I wrote in the grammar section, this is a solid start to a foray into environmental science fiction.

Thank you for allowing me to review your piece. I'm just another reader and writer so use or discard any of my suggestions at your personal discretion. If you make changes and would like me to reassess your piece, feel free to e-mail me.

Keep writing and have a good day!

—Brandi