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Review #4214359
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Review by ~Minja~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: | (3.5)
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Hi Write_to_disorder

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


It's been a pleasure to review your "Invalid Item"  on behalf of the Simply Positive Group. Please be reminded that my review is based on one person's opinion and you have all rights to choose if you like it or not....

*Starb* Overall impression?

I like the fact that this story has happy ending because we know that in real life things are not so simple like you described it here. It was kind of cute the idea about the present and a little bit funny. If I'm a guy I would be confused as well, you can tell that us, women, have a way to surprise men when they least expect it *Wink*.

*Starb* Suggestions?

First thing what I've noticed was your NON-E content rating and I think that this writing can easily fall into E rating. For more info about content rating here in Writing.Com you can read here Content Rating System (CRS) from Writing.Com 101  *Smile*.

I also noticed that at the beginning of the story the main character's name was Dennis and when they met at the bar later she called him Mike. I don't know why's that but I found it confusing and thought to point it out.

Some writers are really good in writing flash fiction, they somehow manage to tell that story within 500 words but to do that and make it enjoyable for the readers takes more practice and imagination. While I loved your story because of its happy ending I think you forced that ending a little bit. Like, one moment they are in the bar, the same night they spend talking about the future and things moved quickly; couple got married and the baby was born. There was no excitement in the last part of your writing, no description or emotions, it felt like you just wanted to finish the story as soon as possible so you hurry up to tell to reader: and they lived happily ever after, you know what I mean? I missed just excitement and also little bit more of description of characters to make the story believable. *Smile*
Thank you for sharing your work with us and welcome to Writing.Com once more. All smiles..*Smile*.

~Minja~
Founder of "Invalid Item" 
resident host at "Invalid Item" 
*Pencil* Be courageous and try to write in a way that scares you a little *Pencil*
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 04/29/2016 @ 3:33pm EDT
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