%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4214704 |
 First Impressions: I started by clicking around a little to find out more about this world and the characters. One of the items I tried to read was "Invalid Item"  but the access was restricted. This was probably a good thing since it enabled me to form my own opinion about King Ele rather than knowing how you meant him to come across. So hopefully, you’ll get an unbiased opinion. The first paragraph was powerful. You introduced one of the characters by name and told the readers a little about his personality. Because the story started with some action, I immediately felt drawn in and wanted to know what it was that irritated him enough to punch the wall like that. The first impression I had was that he was perhaps a little short tempered but quite a strong personality. In the second paragraph you introduced the second character and, like with Ele, you subtly weaved in a few details about who he was and what he looked like. That was nicely done; you didn’t give the readers a list but mentioned just enough for them to get an initial image. It was also clear where they were in relation to each other, which helped to picture them. The chapter moved at a good pace. There weren’t any lengthy, boring passages where you filled in the backstory, but instead, you let the readers know what they needed to know when they needed it to make sense of a scene. I didn’t feel lost in this first chapter in a world I knew nothing about. Overall, I felt the descriptions were perhaps a little sparse. There was enough to picture the general setting, but in places I would have liked more. For example, the banquet hall. I’ve seen enough movies in medieval settings where a king holds a banquet to have an image, but I have no idea if that was how you envisaged it. A few, subtle descriptions might have worked to give me a better picture. On the other hand, you described the characters emotions and the general atmosphere very well. There were a few real gems, for example this line where Ele threaded his fingers through his black tresses which worked both to show his state of mind and tell the readers what he looked like. Or this line, The tension in the air felt like a coiled snake ready to strike which gave me a very good feel for the atmosphere.  Characters:Ele He was a very intriguing character. I wasn’t able to hang on to my initial impression of a strong ruler for very long, although his own assessment surprised me when he interpreted his courtier’s support as an indication of his weakness. I’m not sure if I thought of him as weak so far. He is concerned, and angry, but it piqued my interest that he was worried it would come across as weakness. Towards the end of the chapter, during the negotiations with King Scharn, his actions could be interpreted as weak, but at the moment I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt and call it cautious instead. He doesn’t want war, to the point where he would rather make concessions to placate the other king. It was interesting that he didn’t know how to keep his promises but fully intended to do so, which places him somewhere between honourable and foolish. He wasn’t comfortable with the confrontation – the other King and his people seem to pose a threat I wasn’t quite able to determine at this point but I’m sure it will become clear later. Perhaps it was just their size that intimidated him, but there seemed to be more to it. Rilae I immediately liked Rilae and the quiet, unobtrusive way in which he supported his king. He was there to do whatever was needed, but he didn’t push his opinion, only offered advice. The first part in the banquet hall was excellent and Rilae came across very well in this section. I sensed a lot of loyalty for his king, and even if he couldn’t stop himself from voicing his disapproval when Ele first entered, he did his best to make sure that he wouldn’t look bad. He seemed like the kind of guy you’d want on your side in a situation like this. King Scharn He came across as a strong king, or at least in this case he seemed to be holding all the cards and could demand pretty much whatever he wanted. He only just managed to keep the negotiation civilised, but in the end he even made a promise himself that would be beneficial for Korrian, which surprised me. He didn’t have to do that; he had already had Ele’s assurance that the problem would be sorted and an additional incentive didn’t seem to be necessary.  Suggestions: The writing was very polished and I didn’t notice any errors. There are a few things I want to mention, but they’re just minor points. In the third paragraph, Ele says the first line between clenched teeth. He also clenched his teeth in the first paragraph and the repetition was quite noticeable. In paragraph six, “He is mistaken,” Rilae said as he traced This is something I have been told recently so I’m passing it on; it might be useful, it might not be. Instead of saying, “...said as he...” simply say what he did and omit the dialogue tag. “He is mistaken.” Rilae traced the edge... Otherwise, you might end up with a lot of sentence that are structured, “something happened as they did this” which becomes repetitive after a while. He couldn't make out what they were saying from up there of course This would have been a good opportunity to say where ‘up there’ was and give a bit of a description, especially because you used ‘of course’ like the readers already knew why it was obvious. Appraising and perhaps a touch of disapproval. This sentence didn’t seem complete. I don’t have an issue with fragments if they work, but here, I thought that something was off. Maybe, “Appraisal and perhaps a touch...” would be better.  Final Thoughts: I liked the first chapter. The story is intriguing and so far, everything seemed to fit together quite neatly. I didn’t stumble over anything that didn’t make sense, even though I had very little knowledge about this world or the characters before. You gave me enough information to work out what was going on, and left enough open for me to want to read more. There was one little aside early on that I wasn’t quite sure had a resolution, or if this will maybe come in the next chapter. You mentioned Chanin and the animosity with his father, and because I had read his side story, I was interested how that would pan out when they met. Perhaps I’m jumping the gun here and it will happen in the next chapter. Apologies for rambling on like this. Let me know if this was the kind of review you were expecting and if it was at all useful. In the meantime, I’m off to read the next chapter.     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You have not yet responded to this review.