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 Review #4214880 |
 First Impressions: There was a lot more action in this chapter, and it was aptly named. The events that happened here were indeed quite disastrous. The frenzy of the preparations at the beginning came across well, but they didn’t even have anything to do with the actual disaster. This part was following on quite nicely from the previous chapter, and it seemed that, despite the rush, everything was going according to plan. There was a nice bit of foreshadowing when Ele got the feeling that he'd forgotten something important that deserved his immediate attention, and the attentive reader will immediately know what he was referring to (and I was glad that it seemed my question from the previous chapter would soon be answered.) His conflict about the ball that was happening at the same time as he was busy with the preparations for sorting out his problem with King Scharn came across well (”A mixture of excitement and anxiety brushed his heart with its cool fingers” was a great line), as did his general apprehension for the kind of event he was about to attend. I would have liked to see a bit more description of the ball. Readers will be able to fill in the blanks to an extent, but it might be a good idea to show the scene from Ele’s point of view. He could notice the elaborate dresses or make a comment about how the room was decorated, or something along those lines that would help the readers get a better picture of the event. The dialogue between Ele and Rilae was very natural and showed that they were quite close that they could discuss this so openly. I could imagine that the conversation would have become really interesting once Ele’s sister joined them, but just then, the attack happened and everything changed. It came quite out of the blue, which in itself isn’t a problem, but the actual start of it didn’t seem to pack enough of a punch. I wonder if that was because the paragraph didn’t start with it. Perhaps it would work better if Ele offered her his hand in the previous paragraph, and this one began with the glass shattering. Just an idea.  The chaos that followed and the attack itself worked well and I could imagine the scene as well as Ele being conflicted what to do. His sister wanting him to stay with her was realistic, as was his desire to do something, anything. His personality was clear again and he wasn’t strong and decisive enough to actually work out what he should be doing. He was offered an out when a servant came to help him, and I liked the part where “Cold hatred plunged its terrible blade into Ele's heart”, that was a great line. The paragraph that followed wasn’t as strong; I didn’t think that ‘despicable’ quite covered it, and to simply think that the act wouldn’t go unanswered wasn’t a powerful enough reaction to go with the hatred a few sentences earlier. The paragraph that followed, in the next part, was a little confusing at first. Suddenly, it’s a week later but you made no mention what happened at the end of the massacre. Were the Rothens defeated? Did they run off after they killed enough people? I was also missing some emotion from Ele. It seemed that most of the people who were murdered were his (distant) family, so to simply cut to him worrying about having to let his courtiers go didn’t seem realistic. I was a little confused about the letters – the courtiers’ parents sent them to Ele to ask him to ask their kids if they wanted to leave? That seemed a bit convoluted to me. I liked the idea though that Ele didn’t hesitate to grant them permission to leave even though he wanted them to stay. It also worked well how he suddenly remembered the conversation with Chanin, and it was in keeping with his personality that he would blame himself for not following up on it and possibly preventing the attack (although realistically, there probably wasn’t much he could have done.) There was an interesting snipped about this world with this line, his painted eyelids and nails were still white in the fashion of mourning I liked how you weaved that in there as a little aside; it wasn’t important, just an intriguing fact that helped to flesh this world out a bit. I had a question about the attack on Ele in his room. If the light was on in his room, even if it was dim but bright enough so that he couldn’t look outside, wouldn’t the attacker have seen him move? Ele managed to surprise him, but the man looking in from the outside surely would have seen him get up and hide; when Ele did this, the man was right outside trying to get in. The part where the assassin tried to break in was very detailed and well described, and I could imagine each move clearly. I also liked what I perceived to be a bit of a hint when “A strange smile lingered on the Rothen's lips” after Ele spoke about King Scharn’s honour and this underhanded attack first on the castle and then on his life. I didn’t know if this meant it wasn’t really King Scharn who had ordered it, and I’m looking forward to finding out more. It was also strangely satisfying to see Ele act stronger for once. He didn’t hesitate to take matter into his own hands; he didn’t run and hide or call his guards to dispose of the intruder but he took care of it himself. It seemed out of character but I liked it. The scene that followed where Ele found that Kirana was kidnapped was again very detailed and easy to picture, and his emotions came across very well, too. I didn’t quite understand the significance of giving up the towers – perhaps I didn’t picture it quite right; the image I had was of a wall on a border with towers at regular distances. How could he give up two of them, and how would that benefit Rothen? The end of this chapter was quite moving with the four friends declaring that they would stay with their king, although Ele seemed almost too calm at this point. I would have expected him to be more frantic, running around like a chicken with its head cut off, making wild plans how he could get his sister back. But perhaps it was the influence of the other that calmed him.  Suggestions: “You're late, Sire,” Rilae said. “You missed the first three dances.” “I apologize, it took longer than I expected.” This part jumped out at me. It’s the second time Rilae reprimanded his king for being late, and however close they were, it didn’t seem realistic, or rather, it didn’t fit with the image I had of Rilae. As a loyal aid and friend, he might open with a reassurance that the king had only missed three dances, nothing important, because he would know that Ele would be anxious about being late, but I couldn't imagine a reproach like this. And similarly, however close they are, I couldn’t quite see Ele’s formal apology either. He is not that weak. Perhaps he would manage a “Sorry, mate; what’d I miss?” but his reply sounded like he was apologising to a superior, which felt... wrong. He knew what they were yes There might be a comma missing after “were” but I think the sentence would probably work better without the “yes” at the end. He stopped and cast a stricken glance towards the melee. A few paragraphs later, Ele stopped and cast a stricken glance towards the melee. For me, the second one worked better since at that point, they were leaving. I would get rid of the first one, or at least reword it. The others were more of a mystery, and Ele didn’t have time to sort it out. I wasn’t sure about the second part of that sentence. Maybe something like, “but this wasn’t the right time to question them” would work better, if I interpreted correctly what you meant there.  Final Thoughts: It was interesting to see Ele a little stronger in parts of this chapter, although his decision was morally dubious. He didn’t hesitate or question himself, and I liked that. The plot worked, and a lot happened in this chapter to advance it. I’m looking forward to seeing more of Ele being stronger and figuring out how to get his sister back without having to sacrifice the towers. Also, the part where the assassin smiled strangely piqued my interest and I wonder if that meant anything and if there are some surprises in the future where it might turn out it wasn’t King Scharn’s doing. Overall, a great chapter.    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!"  .
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You responded to this review 05/02/2016 @ 4:29am EDT