*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4214909
Review #4214909
Viewing a review of: {citem:}
Review of  
Review by Tiggy
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated:
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)




*PenB* First Impressions:

Okay, here’s a shorter review this time. One word: Perfect. *Laugh* Wow, you put me through the wringer with this chapter. I expected something good when I saw the title, having a vague idea which direction Ele was going to go from the novel’s description. I didn’t expect it to be so emotional. It felt like the story really started in this chapter, and everything up to this point was the background info the readers needed.

The character development was outstanding in this chapter. By the way, just to make it clear, when I was talking about him being weak before, I meant his personality, not the character itself. It was always a strong character whose personality included some weak traits. If that makes sense. But here, he was strong in his personality and the way he developed. It was clear right from the start of the chapter that he wasn’t going to let any anxiety or doubt get in the way of his mission. And his motivation was entirely honourable – like the tagline said, he wasn’t going to let anyone else sacrifice themselves; as far as he was concerned, that was his job as the king. Another point that I really liked. I think I fell a little bit in love with him in this chapter. It might not last long, depending how he develops now that he is under the influence of what appears to be an evil potion, but who knows.

There were some lovely descriptions here, for example this line,

that awful feeling of helplessness held him pinned like a fly in a web

which was a great way to show how he felt. But you also included a few more details to set the scene, like

The wood gave a soft whine of protest as it swung open

or the description of the curtain, the fireplace and the way the fire sparkled and cast shadows across the room, which I thought was excellent. I could picture the setting really well here.

Before I started reading, I listened to the song and did some research on the band, just for a bit of background information, and roses seemed to feature quite prominently on their site. I wonder if that’s where Ele’s liking for roses came from. It added something unexpected to the story – after everything that happened, and considering the decision Ele had made, I didn’t expect something as beautiful and delicate as flowers to feature so prominently. It was great; it added depth to the scenes and the characters. Also, the way Ele eased them back onto his heavy sleeves was an interesting image.

The scene at the end, well, I don’t even know what to say. I’ll be honest, when I skimmed the chapter and saw that it was all narrative at the end, I thought it would be boring. It totally wasn’t, because your descriptions were excellent and there were so many details that made it very realistic and brought the scene to life. I could imagine it very well, and the details were easy to follow and made sense.


*PenO* Characters:

Ele

Oh wow, Ele. He went from someone who didn’t really knew what to do, in pretty much any situation, who was consumed by anxiety and the feeling that he wasn’t good enough, to this amazingly strong and powerful king deserving of the title. Okay, perhaps I’m getting carried away, he might not quite be there yet, but suddenly he knew what he wanted to do, and he was not concerned with the advice of his courtiers or the potential danger. I liked that he knew about the side effects but chose not to tell the others to stop them from worrying. I liked the gesture with the rose, what he said to his friends, the way he conducted himself. The fact that he didn’t hesitate to do what he knew he had to do. I broke down when he said, Remember me as I was.

Rilae

That Ele spoke to his closest advisors separately worked well because it showed quite a few differences. Rilae sat before he was offered a seat, he seemed relaxed and was very outspoken. I mentioned before that he told Ele off twice for being late, which indicated a relationship I wasn’t quite sure about. Here, he took it even further; he not only lectured but there was a level of disappointment with Ele’s decision when he reminded him what his father would think, which seemed to be above his station. But Ele didn’t take offence; he accepted that Rilae was a close enough friend to be allowed to speak to him like that. I found their conversation very intriguing. Rilae is pushing what I would expect from him a little further in every chapter but because I have half come to anticipate this, it worked quite well for me.

Chanin

In contrast, I struggled when Chanin was in the same situation. I found his behaviour a little strange here, and it occurred to me that perhaps he needed a bit more character development in previous chapters for this scene to make sense. On the one hand, he sits with his back to his king, which seems very disrespectful, because he feels more comfortable like that. What he prefers should be irrelevant; he is talking to his king. On the other hand, there is something very familiar in the way his right shoulder pressed against Ele's that implies they are perhaps a lot closer than I thought they were. The two parts didn’t seem to fit together, and didn’t fit the image I previously had of Chanin. A couple of chapters ago, Ele ordered Chanin to leave him alone quite sharply, like he was not much more than a servant, and now he is quite happy to allow not only a certain amount of insolence but also a familiarity neither had displayed before. It seemed a little off. Does that make any sense at all?


*PenG* Suggestions:

he wracked his brain
I came across this issue some time ago when I wanted to use this phrase myself, but I found the advice Google came up with a little conflicting. I think I found more votes for “rack” rather than “wrack” and the explanation here, http://grammarist.com/usage/rack-wrack/, seemed quite sensible. In the end I chose a different wording because I didn’t want pesky reviewers pointing out that I spelled it wrong. *Pthb*

Both bowed wrapped their fingers together and bowed low at the waist.
The first “bowed” appears to be redundant.

Forgive me Sire.
Missing comma after “me.”

But I want a word with Rilae and Chanin alone.
I figured out when Chanin left that Ele meant, he wanted to speak to each of them individually, not together, and then he wanted to speak to the other two together. From this sentence, it wasn’t clear and it confused me for a moment why Chanin would leave.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

So much for my reviewing break. I can’t wait to find out how this continues and what other side effects there might be, other than what happened when the potion was taking effect. I can see why Ele would go this way; being invincible certainly does have its advantages against a stronger opponent, although I’m not sure what exactly he will attempt in order to get his sister back. But the chapter ended in such an interesting place, I have to read on. *Smile*


A Simply Positive reviewing sig.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 05/03/2016 @ 9:32am EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4214909