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Review #4215574
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Review by Tiggy
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*PenB* First Impressions:

Great imagery in the first few paragraphs, and a good recap, reminding the readers that Ele was gone. Also, it gives a brief explanation for the chapter’s title because the others were left behind. And the chapter continued to give me some excellent images; at the beginning with the description of Ele’s study which I could picture very well, and later on, for example Jarth’s house. Every scene pretty much jumped off the page for me.

The fight at the end was really clear as well, and I liked how you described it from Chanin’s point of view, for example pointing out how all the bandits Ele had attacked seemed to think he was a demon.

The structure here was excellent. Jumping between the different characters, showing where they were and what they were doing, kept the readers interested. That way, the readers got more interested in each one since you left them with mini cliff-hangers all the time.


*PenO* Characters:

Aerith

It worked for me that the first part of the chapter followed Aerith. I didn’t feel like I knew much about him before this chapter and it helped to see him in action on his own for a bit. You filled in a little about his backstory, for example that he appeared to be a bit clumsy. His self-depreciation made me feel for him – he displayed that before in the previous chapter when he said he couldn’t imagine how he could be useful, and here it came through again. He blamed himself for his King brewing this potion in the first place and wanted to make it right. An honourable quest, and for his sake I hoped that he would find some good answers.

There was some good characterisation in the paragraph where he looked at the empty throne. As he was previously a little vague, you explained his loyalty and love in just a few words there and it helped to make his character more three-dimensional.

I wondered about the significance of him taking the wrong cloak. Was this just another hint at him feeling stupid, or was there more to it? Maybe he would be mistaken for the other man, or it would help or hinder him in some way. It’s likely nothing, but it made me curious.

The conversation with the alchemist was excellent, very natural and I could hear their different voices quite clearly. At first it was a little difficult to follow what the alchemist was saying but I got used to his accent quite quickly, and it worked for his character.

Chanin

I hadn’t given it any thought before I read that he was the one who followed the king, but it didn’t exactly surprise me either. He seemed like the kind of person who would want to do that (although Rilae volunteered as well) and when he mused that he thought he would enjoy it, it fit in well with his character as I had previously perceived it. The quest itself seemed a little vague – I can’t imagine why he would think that Ele would immediately return with him, or Ele agreeing to accept him as his companion along the way since Chanin wasn’t protected by the potion and Ele wouldn’t risk his life.

The scene where Ele first noticed that someone was following him was quite terrifying and you did a good job describing Chanin’s fear, and his worry what to say to the others about what he witnessed. At this point, I hadn’t seen it for myself, I just had Chanin’s word for it, which made me look forward to seeing Ele in action, scary as he might be.

Chanin’s statement at the end made me chuckle. Now that I’m getting to know him a bit better, the insolence didn’t surprise me, and to turn the order around like that kind of suited him. Not sure Ele is going to agree, but it fit the character here.

Ele

I still felt for him in this chapter although he turned into this merciless killing machine. You ensured the readers’ sympathy with that paragraph where he cried softly when, apparently, he realised what he was doing, or was in pain – I wasn’t quite sure which it was. It went a long way to excuse his behaviour and remind the readers that he had sacrificed a lot.

The end, when he hit Chanin, seemed to provide a moment of clarity and he recognised him and seemed to feel bad for lashing out at him. Although, to be fair, he didn’t seem to have much chance to recognise Chanin before he did. And he would have expected his orders to be obeyed so any of his courtiers should have been a long way away and he couldn’t have been expected to think it was someone he knew.


*PenG* Suggestions:

This chapter, like the previous one, seemed very polished. I didn’t even notice any typos to complain about *Laugh* and the only line I stumbled over was this one,

Aerith squeezed his free hand until the metal of his rings dug into his palm.

Perhaps this would work better if Rilae held out his hand when he agreed that Aerith could leave. As it is, for a moment I thought Aerith was squeezing his own hand, until Rilae removed his.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

I didn’t have as much to say about this chapter because everything simply worked. The pace was great and there wasn’t a boring bit; every scene seemed to advance the plot very well. The last line, while I thought it was good, didn’t seem to provide much closure for the chapter; in fact the ending seemed a little abrupt. It probably doesn’t matter since most readers are going to read straight on, and this kind of open ending encourages them to do so.


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