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Review #4215727
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*PenB* First Impressions:

So now they’re all out and about, against their king’s orders. *Facepalm* Not that I’m surprised; it seemed like they couldn’t achieve much being stuck in the castle, except for keeping things ticking over by doing menial tasks like dusting. Dusting? Actually, I was a little surprised that they would go to that length. The part where Rilae spoke to the people was more the kind of things I would be expecting from them.

I liked that they still considered Ele’s wishes though. That came out a few times; when they went into his study (I think that was mentioned in the last chapter, too) or when they left the castle. They didn’t like disobeying him, even when it was for his own good. It was interesting that they thought that way, considering that the relationship they had with him was quite close. I’m curious to see what his reaction will be. He already knew that Chanin didn’t listen to him, and the previous chapter ended before he could really react to that. It will be interesting to see what he makes of all of it when (if) he gets back and finds out. But here, they were still distantly worried about it, but didn’t let the though distract them for their purpose too much.

Again, I really enjoyed all the little details that you used to describe the scenes and make the characters’ emotions very clear. You really have a talent for descriptions and all the scenes were easy to picture. I can’t really pick a favourite in this chapter because they all worked to help the readers imagine the setting.

Some of the details were perhaps a bit much and seemed to slow down this chapter in places. For example, when Lisuko and Rilae sat down to have something to eat – I wasn’t sure if you achieved anything with that part of the scene, and it seemed to distract from their purpose. If it was to show that as part of their routine they did a lot of mundane things, it probably wasn’t necessary.


*PenO* Characters:

Lisuko

The beginning of the chapter was interesting because I had forgotten that Lisuko didn’t know Aerith had left, but it was a good way to remind the readers. His reaction was very well done, and the conversation between Lisuko and Rilae sounded very natural and was easy to imagine. (I also liked that in that scene, you included a bit more background about the custom of painting their eyes and nails, and it fit in perfectly in the context.)

Lisuko’s honest concern for Aerith came across well at the end when he insisted to go with Rilae to look for him. The relationship between those four guys is quite interesting. Sometimes, they seem to make fun of each other (like the dig about the porcupine), or criticise each other, but it seems that one is in trouble, the others will help. Perhaps the one exception was Lisuko’s repeated mention of Chanin taking the potion instead of the king. Sure, he wanted to protect his king, but he didn’t offer to take it himself, and to suggest Chanin instead did seem a little mean.

Rilae

His inner monologue about the unlucky toss of the coin and the implications was excellent; it showed a bit more about his character and also filled in a few smaller details about life at court. I admired that he went out to speak to the people (although you mentioned that he did, on occasion, have this task before) even though he found it difficult. I’m not sure how well he handled it. There was a hint of detachment when he addressed the woman who had lost her husband and oldest son. Maybe it wasn’t their custom, but it struck me as odd that he didn’t offer any words of condolence for her loss, but instead explained about not being able to help. On the other hand, she didn’t seem to expect anything like that, so perhaps it was normal.

His own insecurity was evident in that part. Before, he came across as quite self-assured, but on this occasion, when he had to admit about not knowing where Ele was, he was vulnerable. I wasn’t sure what the purpose of that was. Sure, he probably didn’t like to lie, but it might have been better if he had – not that I know what kind of excuse he might have come up with, and perhaps that was his problem, too. I just didn’t think his reasoning came across quite clearly enough there.


*PenG* Suggestions:

covered his nails, and did every male subject
Not sure if you meant to say “and” there, or if that was perhaps supposed to say “as”?

“Don't you know where the sun is this morning?” Rilae asked with a sigh.
It’s probably just me, but I didn’t know what he meant there? Maybe this was a specific reference I didn’t get – I’m guessing he was reminding Lisuko that it was still early, but the sentence itself didn’t seem to say that to me.

Not so much as a cushion out of place claimed to tardiness
Again, I’m possibly not reading this right but I stumbled over this sentence. I get the first part, but how does tardiness come into it whether or not he is a tidy person?

Lisuko enquired from his derogatory position
I can’t think of the right word here, but “derogatory” didn’t seem to fit.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

This chapter seemed slower than the one before. It was almost like the action slowed a little too much, and while it doesn’t have to be all fighting and excitement (it’s perfectly fine to show the normal parts of life as well) it felt like this chapter went too far the other way. Where the plot advanced quite a bit in the last chapter, nothing much seemed to happen here. I did like how the two characters developed, especially Lisuko because he was a bit of an unknown to me like Aerith was in the previous chapter. But they didn't seem to achieve anything in this chapter – apart from looking for Aerith and whatever comes from the very last sentence of course, which was a great way to make me want to read on!


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