Hello! I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

What Caught My Eye

Well, love... I think that this is my first time reviewing you... and all of the first things that jumped out at me are suggestions and corrections. Keep in mind that I'm just trying to help, alright? I am honest to a fault when reviewing poetry, but I applaud your efforts!

Most people on WDC will be able to relate to this too, you know? We've all been pushed into trying new things around here. I mean... jeez. I wrote two novels since I've been here, and I have no interest in writing novels! These things happen.

Favorite Aspects

Really, my favorite aspect is that you tried. You know? You went for it. And for a first attempt, I think you did a good job. Poetry is like any other type of writing... you get better with practice.

Language / Word Choice

There is a whole lot of filler in here, love. I'll just give one line as an example:

"I can't help but think that I should give up on this fight"

This is so long and overly complicated. There are three verbs going on in here... can't, think, and give. Simplify, dear. "I can't help but think" is also a bit cliche. Is there a more creative way to say this? Something bolder? If not bolder or with added imagery or something creative, you can at least simplify:

"I feel that I should give up this fight"
"I think I already lost this fight" - Something like this would show the frustration.

Basically, there are tons of different ways to streamline this line... to rephrase and get your point across cleaner and faster. This is what I mean by filler. Do you really need that "on" in "give up on this fight"? Not really... we can understand what you mean without it. Think about this when revising... there are lots of lines in here that could be written quite differently.

Flow / Rhythm

The flow... this is the reason to simplify and rethink how you wrote each line. Is it easy to read aloud? Does one line flow seamlessly into another, or do you need to keep readjusting your rhythm? Some of these lines really throw the rhythm out of whack. If you set the piece aside for a month or two and then read it aloud, you'll hear it.

Effect

There isn't really any imagery in this piece, which could help you break free from the common everyday word choice here. You can be both conversational AND use interesting words... and imagery definitely helps to work them in there. The piece already has lots of things going for it... including a built-in audience. The rhymes are fun and not cheesy (I'm a terrible rhymer myself), the narrative is clear, the lines are emotive, and the message is positive. It's the technical things that fall short. If you keep trying, you'll get there, love.

So... 5 stars for effort! 2.5 for the overall quality. It's a good start (and we ALL start somewhere).





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .