Hello E. Raisner . How are you? I'm Charlie. Thanks for sharing your writing with us. I hope this review finds you well. Sorry for the double review, by the way. Totally hit submit too early.


Title/General Thoughts/Subject Matter: Who doesn't like a good story of betrayal? The description pretty much summed up what I thought the story would entail. Anna and Kyle are together, but Kyle is cheating on Anna with her best friend, Audrey. That much is clear. The rest of it, well, a bit more confusing. I think it's a good idea for a story because people like to read about dramatic things like this. I mean, the theme of betrayal has been the topic of countless stories and poems. It touches a lot of the deadly sins and tends to be quite interesting.


What Worked: I think you did a good job of explaining how the narrator felt. She was caught between her cousin and her friend, unsure of whether or not she should tell her cousin about Audrey and Kyle's betrayal. I've been in this situation before as well, on all sides of it, and it's never easy when you're in that position. You don't want the person to shoot the messenger if you do tell them, but you know you should because they deserve to know. At the same time, if you're friends with the "homewrecker" that's even worse because you'll most likely lose them as a friend if you rat them out. It's almost a love square, as opposed to a triangle, and all those different sides make for a good dynamic relationship between the characters.


Technical Issues/Suggestions: Unfortunately, I do think there is a lot of room for improvement here. The story writing itself was super hard to follow. I felt like I understood what was happening during the first paragraph, and then the second one was a totally different setting/location. I think I've figured it out at this point, but the pacing was wonky throughout and it was hard to distinguish one scene from the next.

As far as technical issues, there are some throughout that need to be fixed. There are several parts that use passive voice and are distracting. Example:

I was stumbling into the kitchen of Zack's house searching frantically for a familiar face.

I would just say "Zack's kitchen" and eliminate all of those unnecessary words. Phrasing like this happens often in the story and adds to the confusion of the scenes jumping around.

Last thing I want to mention is the 'showing, not telling' rule. It's important that you show a reader what is happening rather than tell them is going on with your characters. I think this story could be greatly improved if you showed the events that took place (in order). We would be able to connect with the characters better and it would give you a chance to build them up and give them more dimensions.


Final Thoughts: Overall, I think it's a cool idea to write about this. There's nothing wrong with a story of betrayal among friends. I think this story could benefit from an edit on the technical side of things, as well as on the story telling itself. Thanks again for sharing with us!


Best wishes,




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .