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Review #4221666
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Review by Nixie
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Rated: | (4.0)
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Hi there. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


This was a totally unexpected unfolding of events. The first and second read created a bit of confusion because I had no idea who was doing the acting part. At the conclusion, I still didn't know who the stalkers were. Perhaps this is something to be revealed later.

*Thumbsup* Excellent first paragraph, creating a sense of adventure and danger. I liked your metaphors and descriptions. Nothing was over the top, just enough to draw my interest. *Checkg*

I suggest leaving out the 'sound effects' at the beginning of the next paragraph. I thought they stood out in a less than effective way. I was distracted, momentarily lifted from the plot.

You ran into some trouble when adding dialogue to the story. Here's a few tweaks for your consideration. Begin a new paragraph every time the dialogue shifts. Keep character actions and dialogue in the same paragraph.

One signed to the other " outmatched",
Suggest One signed to the other outmatched,....

" What can we do ?" One whispered in a tone that not even the most keenly hearing falcon could make out[.]"
Begin a new paragraph. "What can we do?" the other whispered in a tone..
delete quotation marks at the end of the sentence, as those words are not part of the dialogue.

Perhaps...". Without muttering a single peep...
New paragraph. Continue with the same paragraph until "Understand?"
New paragraph. The other respond [ed]
I'll leave you to figure out the rest. *Wink*

In the sentence that begins with "Out of a sudden..." I have a few suggestions to keep the action immediate. Practice word economy.

The men drew their weapons, slashing and bashing at random.

I don't think you need the second half of that sentence. If you decide to keep it, what does [brake] mean in the context of the story?

Remember to keep all punctuation within quotation marks. Check out your last paragraph.

I think you have something workable here. I liked your writing style (minus the slip-ups). It seems as if you're building a story world, so best of luck with that adventure! Don't let anyone discourage you.
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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 05/29/2016 @ 4:49pm EDT
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