Hello John Yossarian . I'm Charlie and I'm here to fulfill the review request on your story, "Invalid Item" . Thanks for sharing your writing with us. I hope this review finds you well.


Title/General Thoughts/Subject Matter: I like horror stories, so I was happy to read this one about a woman abducted by two brothers with sinister plans. The title doesn't exactly strike me as a horror title, but it makes sense within the context of the story. Good luck with whichever contest this was entered in!

What Worked: I think the descriptions of scenes/settings and the dialogue were great in this. I feel like there was a big build up to the end where this sort of twist came about. It was interesting to see the way you put the dialect of the brothers into the story was great because it gave me that Ed Gein, Texas Chainsaw vibe that makes for a scary atmosphere in a story.

I really enjoyed the twist at the end where we found out a little more about the brothers. By that time, I was feeling rather nervous for Stacy and knew she needed to get out of there immediately, so her last-ditch effort of survival had me on the edge of my seat.


Technical Issues/Suggestions: Technical things:
* didn't'
typo with the extra apostrophe

* The windows were out of reach, and there was no ladder. Reluctantly, her gaze flicked to the only other door in the room. Next to the open office doorway.
Should be one sentence.

* If they're calling each other by name they're not just planning on raping me. They're going to kill me.
This part should have been italicized as well in the story. The rest of her thoughts are in italics and it separates it from the rest of the story.

Other than these technical bits, one part of the story definitely stands out to me. Stacy is the victim in this story and you want the readers to be rooting for her survival. You need to have a sympathetic character that readers will want to side with in the story. In the beginning of this, the information we're given about Stacy is that she's a rich woman who's drunk and high and about to drive her car. That is not the kind of character the average person is going to feel bad for. Yes, humans make mistakes, but a rich woman drinking and driving doesn't exactly make me want to root for her.

The reason I mention this is because I think the way Stacy is described and introduced makes me feel less emotionally invested in her character, even if that's not how I want it to be. Of course, no one should be kidnapped and assaulted/killed, but her redeemable qualities were never mentioned.


Final Thoughts: Overall, I thought this was an interesting story and I liked the messed up family dynamics at the end. I think you'd be better off with having a main character who is easier to sympathize with from the start. Thanks again for sharing with us!


Best wishes,





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .