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 Review #4227942 |
 | The Sword of Pure Magic  [18+] They have lived like this all of their live on Dorrin. Boudett has been the worse though.  |
| (3.0)| Hello there!  I am reviewing your story as a judge for the
Thanks for entering!  This is a fast-paced fantasy story, with the protagonist trying to procure the Magic Sword" that has been hidden by the Boudett family leadership, thus keeping its magic away from her people.  There is a an almost video-game-like set of adventures and traps that she must get past, in order to find the hidden, magical object. I like that this young woman would free her people and remove them from the worst leadership they have had to endure, all their lives.Nice use of the fantasy prompt! Observations: "Janella blocked one uniform sword with one sword s." "Janella could barely hear them as they mumbling [mumbled] things like, “Let’s get her as one.” "She had to use a spell quick to float over that pit." Inactive voice in an action scene. Try: She conjured a spell, to float over the pit. “The answer to both questions are [is] – yes.  The answer to both is yes. OR, The answers to both are yes. "Each time a fighter hit the circle they screamed – then turned to dust and disappear." [disappeared] " She got burnt a little - and singhed a lot. [singed}  No need to indent paragraph and also skip two spaces for each paragraph. Either one shows a new paragraph, however, on WDC, for ease of reading, skipping a couple spaces between paragraphs makes it easier to read. Doing both is a little distracting. This fantasy story has some great potential. The protagonist is a likeable person. Perhaps more development of the characters' historical beginnings, could have helped the reader picture their situation better. I know there is a strong word count restriction, but that's where writing tighter comes in to play. Eliminate unnecessary words or descriptions that do not add to the storyline. Thus, with a little trim here and a little development there, this story will be a wonderful action/adventure, fantasy, with memorable characters. Plus, you won't need to worry about word count when the contest is over and judged.  Good luck with the contest, and again, thanks for entering!  Regards, Web~Witch
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