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 Review #4227944 |
| Hello there!  I am reviewing your story as a judge for the
Thanks for entering!  This was a fast-paced read, with a bit of a magical spin and some humor threaded into the lines, especially in the protagonist's thoughts. I enjoyed the little vignettes of life from the young witch's memories.  This story has good potential, it just needs some attention to editing. I was a bit distracted while reading it. There was an over use of similes, and repetitive use of words throughout the story and close together within the same paragraphs. See below:  Observations: And these are not all of them. It's kind of too short and sexy but Mom let's me wear what I like and I like teasing men. It distracts them during Mom's deals, so it helps. Besides. It's fun to see their reaction. Men are weird(,) too. It's a weird world but kinda' funny. I like funny. She's been like this since she and Dad got divorced. She's kind of flighty, They're not really jobs anyway. They are more like hobbies. That was a first! It made me kind of mad. It made him kind of handsome in a strange way. The voice sounded like it rose out of a dark sepulcher. ***** Additional Observation: Wrong use of "too." "I know, dear. You just needed a familiar to help you be a witch when you want too." [want to] (Although ending this in a preposition makes it a weaker sentence near the conclusion of the story.)  Truthfully? I didn't want to give this a 3.0. The entertainment value was good and there is fine potential with just a few careful edits. I just have to delve deeply into each story I review as a judge for the WDC Official Contest, because there are so many others competing, thus grammar errors, sentence construction and typos do count against the author, no matter how good the story is.  This story, without the interruptions stated above that slow a reader down or may even lose potential readers, has so much fun and surprises hidden within it that needs to be pulled forward a bit, and not lost amid construction weaknesses.  I know what you're thinking, the language is coming from a youth and that's how she would talk. Not really ... Since it is stated in the story that her mother has been training her to improve her language skills to further her career, I would think, her speech, would not fall into the pattern presented to the extent it is, in this story. The ending was great! Get your reader to this part without having too many pauses, and you've got a great flash-fiction that is expressive, with colorful characters and humorous, too!  Good luck with the contest, and again, thanks for entering!  Regards, Web~Witch
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You responded to this review 06/24/2016 @ 4:56am EDT