Hello, Girlinwhite , and good evening.

I found this item on the Please Review board. There wasn't anything specifically requested for the review so I gave it a general critique. The item was a nice little moment in time, but it felt underdeveloped to me which is why I rated it with three and a half stars. Here's my policies for rating and reviewing for your own reference: "Bobbi's Rating and/or Reviewing Policy" . If you have any questions about your review, please feel free to email me.

The font shows up remarkably small on my computer. I had to transfer the text onto an Open Office document to read it (I won't save it). I know things look different on other mediums, but I figured I should let you know how things look on my end so that you can consider your fonts and sizes when, or if, you decide to make changes to this item. (Peeking at some items in your portfolio, I see that you have already started experimenting with font sizes. Cool! )


The typos and grammar issues I caught were as follows:

And the way the sun was casting it's its glow If 'it' is a possessive, there's no apostrophe.

She paused for a moment[,] watching the rose. I put a comma here because 'She' is doing the watching, not 'the moment', and there needs to be a comma separating the participle phrase in this case.

It stood straight and tall[,] exuding it's confidence(,) and knowing that no one could I moved the comma up and added a conjunction in place of the old comma because these are both participle phrases describing 'It' (the rose).

She had left her footprints in it(....) I brought this up because ellipsis use in this item feels arbitrary, ranging from two to six periods. Three periods is all you ever need.

to her rose[-]colored lips. I put a hyphen here because this is a compound adjective (two adjectives acting as the same idea) which often needs a hyphen when placed before the noun. I put this in blue because hyphen "rules" vary, but I think this is smoother with a hyphen.

just as Mr. Frost so eloquently said. Not a typo or a grammar issue, but who is this fellow? Does it matter?


A few things I noticed as a reader:

This doesn't feel like a story to me so much as a moment in time, and there's nothing wrong with that. There was a bit of nice imagery in the first paragraph, and then when the focus turned away from the rose and onto the character, the imagery started to fall apart. The narrator talks a bit about how the character was unique and stood out from others because of it, but I know nothing about why she is unique. It's telling and not showing. There's also a mention about a journey and some scars, but the reader never finds out much about these, either.

And there's the question about Mr. Frost that I brought up already. He just sort of came out of nowhere. It's as if these characters are from some other story, but there is nothing for the reader to attach to within the confines of this small moment. At the end I know more about the rose than anything else. Maybe this is what you were going for. This piece still feels underdeveloped to me, in any case. It can be most improved by fleshing it out, if you so chose, and adding more of that imagery and detail you used for the rose.

Thank you for allowing me to review your piece. I'm just another reader and writer so use or discard any of my suggestions at your personal discretion. If you make changes and would like me to reassess your piece, feel free to e-mail me.

Keep writing and keep improving!

—Brandi