Obviously, just one person's opinion. Please take with a grain of salt and disregard anything not helpful. 
Hi JMRobison   !
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What I liked best: The pacing and mystery.
Plot: Zadicayn is taken by some men to complete a task for them. Once he completes it he's tossed into the undercroft and locked in.
Hook: A few! Magic is always a good hook. But you've got a man who's family was used against him, to manipulate him into doing something for them. And then he's left locked up.
Grammar:  Comments in line by line 
Just my personal opinion: I'm not a huge fan of period language but it's not overwhelming so it didn't bother me in this. I have a LOT of questions but you balanced it well and instead of being frustrated or confused, I'm intrigued. I want to know more about this world and Zadicayn. I definitely will check out another chapter because I really want to know where you take this!
 Line by Line ▼
I used to question why only the sons of the family could hold magic, but upon hearing my sister scream, "Zadicayn!" as they dragged her and my mother away, I understood. This is a really long sentence for an opening. Maybe break into two. I used to question why only the sons of the family could hold magic. Hearing my sister scream, "Zadicayn!" as they dragged her and my mother away made me understand. Or something.
I try convincing these men I am on their side despite it being disadvantageous to me. I shall pretend to go along with their orders, wait for them to become complacent and lower their guard, and the moment they do... run. Run like hell.
But they aren't lowering their guard because they know I am only doing it because of their threats toward my mother and sister if I don't obey their orders . So I give in. I harvest the three Fae Wood pieces upon their request and acquire the three blood sucking diamonds. I also affix cogs and a metal grid to the ceiling of the undercroft beneath the castle chapel where they intend to lock me when I stop being useful to them.
I stopped being useful to them today. I run like hell. Maybe make this more immediate to match tense of the rest. Now, I am no longer useful to them.
They catch me on the bridge.
A fist clenches the back of my tunic and hauls me down, smacking my elbow on the stone which beckons a howl out of me before they stuff a cloth in my mouth so they can't hear me shout. Put a sack over my head so they can pretend it's not a human they are throwing in the undercroft.
Fighting as they carry me into the castle's chapel, they force my chest against the wall and make sure I hear the familiar snick of crossbow strings being pulled back and locked into place. A cold chain loops my neck. My amulet. My face is crammed into the wall and I can't see any of them through the sack.
"Ye modar and ye sester shalt live so long as ye dost," Gandorlain reminds me from behind, "so I hopeth ye hath thought upon the words for ye spell to give ye long life. Long life."
I told these men tis impossible to harvest the magic from my amulet. They won't believe me.
The man holding my head to the wall rattles me, reminding that they are waiting for a response.
If I could see where the men are positioned about the room, I could use a spell against them. Hands sliding across crossbow wood reminds me that spell would be short lived.
Sester said she wouldst free me, I reassure meself, because I can't afford to rest upon the more likely truth that she won't be able to. But that truth will devastate me if I believe it, so I don't. Sester shall free me...
My eyes squeeze shut. I begin the spell.
Relocate hunger, relocate thirst, relocate physical pain... I whisper under my breath in the language of the Fae, forcing my body into a hibernation so I might live a week, a month, a year... forever in stalemate without food and water and the necessities of life until my sister can free me from the undercroft.
Forever. Fear slides thick and cold down the back of my skull.
I finish my incomprehensible whisperings and just fall silent.
The just hangs me up a little.
"Ye don, wizard?" Dendaryl drawls.
They shake me. I don't respond.
"Now the codpiece tis just playing games."
"He don."
They remove my amulet. Stripping my tunic off, they crush my naked chest harder against the cold stone of the wall. Despite my fighting, the three blood sucking diamonds slam into my back, sinking under skin, beckoning a shriek out of my compressed lungs. But the men holding me won't hear the sound clearly through the cloth stuffed in my mouth. Pretending I'm not human.
They haul me backward, the muscles in my back throbbing hot blood over cold skin. The crash of wood against stone shoots bolts of panic through me as the trap door in the floor is flung open.
I thrash with every part of my body that can move but too many hands hold me fast. The sack around my head tightens, controlling me, angling my body as someone else grabs my legs and lowers my boots to the floor. I buck and coil but arms and hands clamp me too tightly.
"Grab the ladder or dropped ye shall be!" someone barks.
I thrash. The hands release me and I'm falling.
I feel the spell activate as soon as I fall out of the light, landing on the floor of the dusty undercroft with a crunch. I collapse to my chest with enough force to punch air out of my lungs. I roll to my knees and tear the sack off, looking up as the metal grid slides shut above me, closing off my access to the only opening in the undercroft.
The trapdoor slams shut.
   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
 You responded to this review 06/25/2016 @ 3:27pm EDT |
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Review #4228194
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