*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4230846
Review #4230846
Viewing a review of:
 Tales from the Players 2  [E]
The second in the series, expanding more into the minds of the characters.
by Tales
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose - REOPE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*NoteV* Story ~
Three friends sit on their usual park bench talking after college finals. On occasion they don't to seem to have a lot in common, but I've discovered how wrong my as
{c}

*NoteG* Characters ~
Johnny's character is newly introduced. He's a basketball player, good enough to have dreams of playing in the NBA, but his skills when it comes to school are at the bottom of the totem pole. Tim is back, mostly paying attention to what's being said and giving Johnny an ego boost.

*NoteV* Issues ~
Don't think I failed but I don't think I scored to too high either."

I think your sentence structure could use some work. Some are too long, and there is overuse of the ellipsis'. You can do without most of them.

*NoteG* Impressions ~
I wondered with Tim and Johnny looked like. I did get good insight into their personalities, but not enough detail to have a good picture in my mind for either of them.

I liked that Johnny stepped up to help T. There's nothing like getting honest feedback from the ones closest to us. You have all you need to really make this an intriguing story. Remember to try and picture the scene, write the things that are going on around your main character. You have your characters thoughts down. What about their mannerisms? How do they react with things that being said by their peers? Adding all of these little elements into your story. When you switch from one character talking to the next, remember to use a new paragraph letting your reader know there's a change coming with someone speaking.
{c}.
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Quiet contemplation

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
   *CheckG* You last responded to this review 07/03/2016 @ 9:43am EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4230846