What Caught My Eye

You're on a review list for a GoT battle. If you're not familiar with it, GoT is essentially a fundraiser for various groups around the site. I chose you from the list because I'd never been in your port before that I recalled.

The Hook

The opening lines here didn't hook me at all. It sounds more like a setting rundown for a play or summary. It's not something I'd expect to see in a novel. It's just so... perfunctory? I'm not one of those "start with action" people. You can start any way you want as long as it's engaging. "The year was 1961. The city of Rome was..." not engaging. You'd have lost me right there.

Even just cutting everything before "Night after night..." would be an improvement. That isn't an amazing hook, but it's better than what you've got currently.

Edit Points

11 - "perfectly" would be grammatically correct. Since it's in dialogue, that's fine. But... it still made me stumble.

In general, it seems like you use lots of adverbs in here. At times, it felt like every verb had an adverb attached. I'm prone to the same thing. I edit once through JUST to remove adverbs. I'd recommend that. You know what they say... why use an adverb when you could use a stronger verb?

Cliffhanger

The innocence of this girl struck me as a bit unbelievable for 1961. Monster movies had been popular for ages by that point. Who doesn't like crosses? Monsters, vampires, etc. I would imagine that she would pick up on the sinister tones this guy is putting off. So the "she frowned, but then hugged him with a smile" stuff at the end sounds... false.

End-of-chapter cliffhanger? Not much of one really.

Effect

This could be quite good if you get it polished up. I just noticed that the item is old and hasn't been modified for 8 years or something, so I suppose you're not working on it anymore. If I'd noticed, I would have reviewed something else. Sorry about that, love!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .